Tag Archives: perception

Dark Passengers Series

Dark Passenger: The Return of Rage


I need to admit the truth. After all, I occasionally run a Confessional here and this is a space for me to be myself.

When I heard of the impending death of my molester, I felt something not unfamiliar: Rage.

For a moment, time stood still, I heard my heart and the moments of my abuse — the pleasurable and the horrible — all came together. That evening, as I wrote, pouring the adrenalin rush into the typing, I wanted desperately to fuck out the bad feeling. I needed a bottom to abuse back. Someone to pummel.

Truth is, when I fuck, it is rare for me to lose  control. I control every movement. Very few men have ever experienced me unleashed. No. Unleashed is the wrong word. The word is unhinged.

If you are a bottom, you may be thinking how hot it would be to experience what might be a Rage Fuck from me. Knowing that physically, I am without the physical prowess to bench-press much or chin-up myself . I don’t have abs or pecs or guns or anything like that. I am not muscular. You’re thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, especially if indeed you are muscular yourself.

But with almost 30 years of pent-up Rage, if I allowed that to pour out, my system would be overloaded with chemicals that would blind me. Wikipedia remarks that a person experiencing rage “is capable of doing things that may normally seem physically impossible. Those experiencing rage usually feel the effects of high adrenaline levels in the body. This increase in adrenal output raises the physical strength and endurance levels of the person. One’s senses become extremely acute due to the high amounts of adrenaline in the body, and, on the opposite end, this also reduces one’s sensation of pain. People in rage may also experience events in a sort of slow motion. An explanation of this ‘time dilation’ effect is that instead of actually slowing our perception of time, high levels of adrenaline increase our ability to recall specific minutae of an event after it occurs. Since humans gauge time based on the amount of things they can remember, high-adrenaline events such as those experienced during periods of rage seem to unfold more slowly.”

My Rage did not emerge. I did not fuck. I have not released my cum and likely, I won’t let myself release it except in controlled amounts.

I can smell my rage right now. It’s a smell. I can see blood pulse through my eyeballs. It’s returned now. It’s here. Now.

A blog on Men and Rage says, “Rage is commonly brought on by fear a threat to some part of yourself. When you are threatened, your brain instantly reacts with a fight, flight, or freeze response. Rage can also be a reaction to protect deep, deep shame.”

Maybe all of that is true. Maybe I am shamed. Does my shame come from the fact I want to dance on this fucker’s grave?

Q&A: Are You Happy?

Q&A: Are You Happy?

Q. Your latest blog entry is on happiness and the perception that you apparently aren’t happy; what, beyond breeding*, elevates you to happiness? (*this is assuming that breeding in itself makes you happy)


A. Nick, I could turn philosophical all over this question regarding happiness.

Let’s first take up whether breeding makes me happy. In general, I’d say breeding is nothing more than a bodily function. Some choose to relieve themselves into plastic or their hand or a pussy or some other place. I personally think my spunk belongs in ass.

So to answer your assumption, breeding does not make me happy. It satisfies a biological need and an instinctual compulsion I have to spread my DNA.

Let’s now consider the term “happiness” itself. Is that a state of being in which one exists or is it just a moment that’s fleeting?

I would suggest that since “happy” has a diametrically opposite state — sad or sadness — that it is an emotion that occurs. It is temporary.

If it is an emotion is it something that we have control over or is it something for which we are subjected? More questions.

So many questions arise that, I regret, an answer cannot be given. However, I will provide you with one of my favorite quotes from a movie:

[alert style=”green”]”I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more.”It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.”

— Meryl Streep as Clarissa Vaughan in “The Hours”[/alert]

Happiness occurs, whether it’s something we influence, project or by divine providence or sheer luck happens to us. An experience that can fill your resistance and give such promise and joy and optimism and make you perceive an invincibility about life. But for every bridge, there’s a tunnel.

My journey now takes a different path.

Part of my reflectiveness on my Dark Passenger series has been to acknowledge those times when the negative influenced my existence and turned me into the creature I’ve become. My reflections on these virtual pages have, honestly, given me insight.

This journey now is fresh, raw, unfiltered through time. I wonder whether any insights will come. So, it too stands as an experiment.


Q1: Barebacking Introduction

Q1: Barebacking Introduction

Q. How long have you been into BB? From your blog, you’re a master. I’d love to know how you got so regular and confident with it.

A. Let’s back up a moment and remove the inherent “evil” perception that has built up regarding sexually transmitted diseases or infections. Go to an gay bar and you’ll observe an absolutely massive amount of so-called “unhealthy” behavior.

Smoking, which we know leads to cancer. Excessive drinking that contributes liver disease — among other things. Drug use which results in a long list of physical issues. Look outside and see the people in cars without seat belts. Hell, it’s risky to get out of bed.

And we all know the truth about “safe sex.” The only truly “safe sex” is masturbation.

So many things in our world are unhealthy for us. Diet drinks, regular drinks, processed foods, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the violence we witness. The list goes on.

Life is dangerous.

So you have to decide what is your threshold of supposed “danger.”

I once fooled around with a very hot guy in my early 20s. He ended up jerking me off. That’s it. I just loved touching his body and I didn’t complain much. Anyway, later that day he called to make sure I was clean because he’d discovered a paper cut on the OTHER hand — the one he didn’t use to touch my cock.

He was freaked out that he might have gotten something from me a hand job.

I don’t smoke. I rarely drink. I don’t do drugs (other than poppers). Nope, I’ve not even tried pot. I drink a little too much caffeine diet drinks. I always wear my seat belt. And I bareback ass. Those are my “risk factors.” I’ve decided that it’s an acceptable risk for the sensation of touching another man in the most intimate way possible.

You make your choices. I make mine. I won’t judge yours. Do me the same courtesy.