Tag Archives: Dark Passenger

The Confessional Is Open

The Confessional Is Open

What have you done?

What have you done that you’re secretly proud? Or that haunts you?

What have you done?

What have you done that gives you a hard-on? Or makes you want to cut off your cock?

What have you done?

What have you done that puts fear in your soul? Or gives you wings?

We all have these secrets. These things that lurk in the corners of our lives.

I’ve actually told many of these on this website. My molestation and how I struggles with dichotomy of the desires of sex and the hatred of the man who did it. Then there’s stealthing and breeding the men who give opportunity in sex clubs.

Here’s your opportunity to tell your story.

The confessional is open. There is no need for your e-mail or anything else. Just post your secret, from the mundane to the mischievous to the malevolent.

Tell the world your sins. You will feel better.

 

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Long-time readers of my blog might recall this is not the first confessional. Here’s links to previous confessionals:

Hate (1 of 3)

Hate (1 of 3)

Whenever you hear someone say, “I’m not racist,” they’re about to spout something racist. And so I believe when folks say they’re not judgmental.

Of late, a quiet storm of hate — you can attempt to call it disapproval, dismay or other such terms, but it truly boils down to hate — has spread to the corners of the Internet. It’s generated a kind of peer pressure, not unlike the vocal Tea Party. A small minority within the majority. And those people, the squeaky wheels, have created a disproportionate voice among the many to silence a voice that had finally begun to rise.

Barebacking is not an activity of the minority of positive men who are about to die anyway. Recent scientific surveys revealed about half of gay men engage in raw sex. And that outrages the conservative wing of the gay vocals.

This, along with the rise of the Bareback Brotherhood Open-New-Window-External, my blog, Raw Top’s blog Open-New-Window-External, BarebackRT.com Open-New-Window-External, Treasure Island Media Open-New-Window-External, porn performers going raw Opens new window of a page on this blog and other such events coming to light makes for nothing short of radicalization by some.

It’s in quiet corners but it’s having an impact. I’m going to share what’s happening over the next couple of entries. I’ve written about some things Opens new window of a page on this blog. And to many who claim not to be judgmental, those folks seem to enjoy calling me and others brutal names and attempting at humor to blunt something nothing less than radical right hatred.

Explaining Myself

I do want to thank those who write me small notes of encouragement when they see, hear and read the attacks.

My blog is about me and all the dichotomies I embody and, without reading everything, some choose to select entries and judge me based on those. But I choose to believe we all struggle with our place on the planet and, no matter how sincere that sounds, someone’s going to twist that into me sounding something other than sincere.

I understand that I fuck my way through man after man, sometimes through a gloryhole Open-New-Window-External, and that “intimate” act could seem anything but intimate. Some of my friends consider fucking as friendly as “hello” and the most intimate act being a French kiss. I’ve put myself into the handler space and attempted a little pup play, but that just never floated my boat. It’s not my place to attack those choices if one chooses to belittle another.

Perhaps my occasional need to have the opportunity to use a hole comes from being used myself as a molested child Opens new window of a page on this blog and unusual urges that wanted it to happen sometimes Opens new window of a page on this blog. Perhaps I’m just an asshole that way.

However, I never force anyone to back their ass up to a gloryhole Opens new window of a page on this blog. I don’t have a leash or a whip. No one’s been trained or chained.

I started this blog as an exploration of my sexual being and my life. It’s become much more than that. I’m not apologizing for my humanity. And the explanation of who I am isn’t over. The day the blog ends is the day that explanation is over.

I have a feeling it’s the day I die.

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Condom Versus Bareback Sex

Condom Versus Bareback Sex

I’ve received a couple of e-mails just today from men confronting a crossroads on which path to take. I’m going to share what each had to write.

Being gay is one thing. You are already different and somewhat an outcast for that.

Then if you are into older guys and not guys your own age it’s another thing and another form of alienation.

Oh and then there is leather if you are into kinks and being subservient and being someone’s slave or boy and wearing a collar people thing you are strange.

And add barebacking to the mix and you are basically a fucking alien.

I’d say the only thing you could do more then that is becoming poz then good luck ever finding acceptance.

This young man in his twenties experienced first hand the hatred coming from the gay community for being a barebacker. Unfortunately, someone discovered his enjoyment at raw cock and, poof, all his acceptance in his circle of friends dissipated so quickly, he felt abandoned and forced into burying his urge to go raw. Now, with animosity and a regret, he wrote me thinking I would reject him too because he no longer barebacked.

Peer pressure. What an odd thing.

The other man, in his mid-thirties, wrote to express his newness to fucking raw.

It took me a long time to get to the point of taking raw cock on purpose.  Haven’t moved to all-bare all the time yet.

I still remember the first loads I took.  Was really nervous about it.  But now, I crave my buddies’ loads.  Sometimes I really want to be a cum dump and take all loads.  Haven’t got to that point though.

My Own Journey

In the late 1980s and early 1990s as the AIDS epidemic brought more and more death upon the gay community, I happened to be a fledgling twentysomething myself in South Florida. I lived far away from the big cities and worked way too hard to get to date men, as at the time I thought a Prince Charming still existed on my horizon would come and take me to new heights of love and sex.

You can read of my own sexual exposures by my molester in the Dark Passenger Opens a new window from this blog entries, which at the time, I’d confronted but didn’t face head on as this blog allowed in the years since. Yet as a young journalist at a small newspaper in the heat of the Florida sun, I got to see the worst that can happen to humanity:

  • A 13-year-old middle school student stabbed, snipped and raped (after death)
  • A 19-year-old motorcyclist with his brain scattered a few hundred feet — now I know why they call it “gray matter”
  • Countless shootings and stabbings of people, often for no reason or for some drug deal gone bad
  • Lightning strikes of golfers, kids playing outside or just random people
  • Skinheads and KKK recruiting in the local high schools
  • Vagrants and drunks falling asleep on train tracks to have the locomotive run them over and sever off some body part
  • Whole families driving off roads into ditches and drowning, never exiting the minivan
  • Beach drownings and backyard pool drownings of old and young, accidental or otherwise
  • Wrecks where the jaws of life pried open bloody mangled messes of metal and human fused together
  • Coaches molesting his female players on his championship team
  • And an honors student and latchkey kid, sniffing a spray can protectant, getting high, barfing and dying his backyard

These were not odd occurrences. This happened daily. Sometimes twice or three times. Over the weekend. For more than two years, I watched this carnage and human destruction up close and personal. No college professor prepared me for real blood and body parts and coroners and victim tears and invading people’s privacy to get a few precious words for a quote.

In the midst of all this, I began my own medical issues. My doctor, at the time, asked me if I’d ever been tested for the virus that causes AIDS. I’d developed some odd rash and he had no idea why.

No cocktails existed. As I recall, AZT was even experimental. People I knew who had AIDS would suddenly disappear only to have their obituary appear later due to suicide or some other “illness.” And if my life, just starting out, began with a doctor suggesting that a fucking rash might be HIV.

The test in those days took more than a week to get the results. I worried the whole time. And the whole time I worried, I watched countless people drop dead around me from murder, accident, mayhem and more.

But I didn’t have HIV. I was fine. I would live!

Life seemed brighter. The world seemed better. I didn’t need to worry. Everything would be a-okay. I just needed to be careful. Right? No unsafe sex.

Fuck. I barely had sex anyway. The death and destruction at work kept making sure of that.

I would try to use a condom if sex ever popped up or just let a guy suck me off. And I tried to date. But something just seemed unsettling to me.

Fast-forward

I’d sampled raw sex from the beginning — my first fuck ever Opens a new window from this blog — and a few momentous subsequent fucks Opens a new window from this blog. As I turned over my new leaf following the savior of coming out negative, I found myself slipping up from time to time. Often, it would be someone I really liked (or lusted after).

scruff-go-rawBarebacking happens. Any gay man who hooks up will likely bareback. A recent example to the right. I’ll tell someone I only fuck raw and they’ll change their tune quick.

Recent studies found that about half of all gay men will admit to having bareback sex. But that’s the admission. I believe that number is much higher. The study I’m citing was from a judgmental safer sex education effort and didn’t go at the study neutrally. Someone asked like I did — as you see in this pic or in a way that makes people feel “safe” to answer they’re okay with barebacking — you’ll find more people will admit to going raw.

While the fuck listed here didn’t hesitate, sometimes the bottom will wait a while and come back later with an “all right, I’ll let you fuck me” or “if you promise you’re DDF, you can fuck me.” Sometimes, if I follow through with the fuck, I’ll be asked to pull out.

I pull out…. after I blast inside.

Everyone knows my name, my e-mail address and usually this blog. Why they sometimes miss that fact, I don’t quite get it.

In my experience, those who eventually admit and will allow me to bareback — based on my photos — and knowing my information is about seven out of 10. I believe if I had a photo of an athletic body, younger age and a slightly larger cock, I’d get closer to nine out of 10.

And if I were to bottom, it would be close to 99 percent with those looks.

pornI wrote recently Opens a new window from this blog about a porn star who visited Atlanta during 2012. This performer, who is rather famous and qualifies as a true porn star, would have cost me a big chunk of change. He stars in condom-only porn. He refused to get fucked raw but would gladly fuck raw and, even knowing me and my blog, would breed my ass.

The schedules never meshed and I’m not messing up his career or the opportunity for him to breed me should he return to the ATL.

I believe that some people think it’s more acceptable to be a bareback top.

The more young, the more athletic, the more “healthy” looking, the more likely a raw fuck will happen.

Back to My Story

As I matured and had my experiences with dating and hookups, I had sex both with and without condoms. It’s not like I didn’t know the difference. It’s not like I ignored the choice before me. And every six months or so, I’d endure the long wait to determine if I happened to be HIV positive, worrying about what would happen, what other discrimination might confront me along with the homophobic hatred that already confronted my life.

Medical changes were happening and treatments were improving. People living with HIV didn’t die immediately. I had boyfriends, then partners. And my life progressed. When I would try to use a condom, it wouldn’t always be the most successful experience.

The difference between bareback and condom sex is like standard- and high-definition television. Once you’ve watched high-def, you really can’t stand to go back to the low-definition again. It’s fuzzy. You don’t get as much out of the experience. The sensations aren’t all there. You’re missing a big chunk of the fun. The experience is extremely lacking.

You crave the high-definition. You want to full-on overload that you get from the sensory inputs of going raw.

Anyone who pretends it’s “just as hot” or whatever else is lying.

My two writers know this. And this is the conflict they’re struggling with right now.

To the Twentysomething

You are a barebacker and you know the risks that come with it. You might pretend for the sake of your so-called friends that you want to wrap it up. However, what kind of friends are they really?

Maintaining a little separation of your sex life and your professional life makes a great deal of sense. But your gay friends cannot all say they hate you because you bareback. If they do, they’re not truly your friends (and it’s time to find some new ones). Barebacking is a choice.

I will say if you choose to use a condom, it’s fine with me. If I know someone makes a logical choice based on the facts in front of them, then I can only respect their choices.

Further, allow me to say Atlanta isn’t the best choice for the Leather Community. It is a small community and the choices are limiting, unlike larger cities where Leather has a larger presence — Chicago for one. I’d suggest you broaden your circle of friends and you’ll find several barebacking members in within BDSM circles.

And should you ever become poz, I promise you won’t be alienated either. There’s a special bond between poz men (I’m sure some of them will speak out).

To the Thirtysomething

You too are coming into your own, now that you’ve seen the greener grasses of barebacking. Even with your limited experience, you know that the sensory experience of going raw just can’t compare with wrapping plastic around a cock and sliding it into a hole. That separation blurs the enjoyment.

Can you truly make that choice?

Why I Made the Choice

As I wrote earlier, I was unprepared for the death, destruction and hatred I would see on a day-to-day experience. Compound that with my molestation, and you come to a place where I struggled to find intimacy and connections with men that simply didn’t not transfer through the plastic barriers of a condom.

Why would I choose to live a life hidden from those sensations I craved and deny myself the thing I wanted? Why especially when I knew it all could be snatched away in a moment due to lightning, an accident, a gunshot, a stabbing or some other act of fate that would take thousands every year but somehow spare me?

One of the oddest occurrences that still baffles me is the person who writes me and wants me to fuck him — but insists I use a condom. Oh, he’s  read my blog. He knows I only fuck raw. He’s aware that “I blast inside.” But he considers himself cute enough, muscular enough, hung enough, young enough, funny enough or some other talent enough that he will be the exception to my rule to fuck raw. He is special enough that he will escape my raw breeding. I won’t stealth him either. I’ll be honorable and fuck safely.

No chance in hell.

And if you think a car accident, a home invasion, a stray bullet, a blood clot, a drowning or some other death or destruction element will miss you — that you’re special enough that God will spare you — then I spent two years in South Florida meeting the people who thought the same thing.

Life is meant to be lives in high definition. That’s where I live it.

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Children Are Petri Dishes of Walking Colds, Flu and Worse

Children Are Petri Dishes of Walking Colds, Flu and Worse

I love my nephew. At 3½ years old, he’s among the highlights of my life. I am one of his surrogate fathers as his real father has largely abandoned him for drugs.

One of the few bonuses of my increased time at home is I get to spend a lot more time with this adorable creature, who will grow up absolutely gorgeous and totally straight. Yes, I can tell from an early age. I read men (and boys) quickly and can easily categorize them Opens a new window from this blog.

And despite what you may think, I will never touch my nephew in an inappropriate way and if I find someone who does, I will finally make good on the promise I made to my molester Opens a new window from this blog. Death at my own hands.

If you’ve read my Dark Passenger Opens a new window from this blog series, you will know about my own molestation and the suffering dichotomy that resulted from a gay boy emerging early into sexual manhood. This blog wasn’t intended just to advocate for barebacking. I started it to explore and reconcile the psycho-sexual and emotional damage and figure out where I needed my life to go.

I’ve gotten off on a bit of a tangent because of the medicine I’m taking plus the fact I didn’t get much of a night’s sleep thanks to coughing, congestion and headaches.

My adorable nephew gave me the only thing he could give me all by himself: His cold.

Now with that virus coursing through me and surrounding the general area, I’m forced to take it easy. Last night happened to be Atlanta’s CumUnion Opens a new window from this blog that I’d hoped to finally attend. Again Opens a new window from this blog, it coincided with a full moon on Friday Opens a new window from this blog, which tends to increase horniness. Add to that a lot of men are “visiting” family, so the opportunity to fucking more ass is available.

Believe it or not, while I’m horny and, with drugs, can stand upright and generally feel okay. Believe it or not, even though I have only 99° temperature (not even 99.1°, just 99°), I’m staying home and away from others.

If I can help it, no one else gets this cold.

While some twits seem to think I’m out changing people’s statuses by stealthing Opens a new window from this blog and passing along STDs, I am not. As I wrote recently Opens a new window from this blog, if I stealth, they leave with the same status as they had prior to my fucking them.

In this case, I won’t fuck them and no one will suffer through an ordinary cold. Except me.

Dark Passengers Series

Dark Passenger: Plunging into Darkness Again

The emotional stress from my life lately makes most of the normal portions difficult. In fact, I just fucked the hell out of a regular who always seems to milk a load out of me and it, alas, didn’t happen. I know recovery comes after such a loss. But to be honest, it’s mostly just that I’m fucking tired.

I felt some relief when I chatted with a friend who had lost his Mother as well and his response made me feel like I wasn’t so crazy. But with that comfort came dread.

“Did you have troubles with nightmares?” I inquired.

No hesitation. He snapped, “Yes.” I suddenly felt relief. Maybe I’m not as bonkers as I thought. But eventually we got around to the really important question.

I asked, “How long do they last?”

“Oh,” he said with a pause, “About a year.”

I quickly followed up: “So you are telling me that I’ve got at least another 11 months where I get a good night’s sleep maybe once or twice a week?”

With all seriousness, he responded: “If that.”

Fuck.

Alas, it is 3:30 a.m. Eastern as I write this little entry. And I figure, since I’m going to be spending so much time awake and so little capability to finish off a good fuck, I might as well return to the Dark Passengers.

Most interesting of all, this is the time when the darkness does return to my sex life. These events of monumental proportions require me to find the next stage of my development.

As I’d explored earlier, my molestation really pushed me into being the top I am — or at least, that’s my current operating theory as we plunge a little deeper. Now I want to take my sex to a very dark place.

Leather.

A relationship of almost eight years had ended and I went a little wild. Understandable I think considering my former partner lived on the second floor of the house and, without a respectable mourning period, was fucking two different guys AT THE SAME TIME. Yes, he had some sort of polyamorous thing going on (and it gets weirder as one of the guys married a lesbian in order to have kids; she had a lover too, so it was this weird five-way kind of thing).

I fucked anything that moved.

But at the time, I wanted a “relationship” where, for once, I had control. I got to choose the path and the other person was entirely beholden to me. Interestingly enough, the Leather community offered an answer.

So, that’s where we’re headed next. Brace yourself. For some of you, it’s not too shocking. For the rest… well… exits are located at the front and rear of the aircraft and over the wings. Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.

 

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