[alert style=”green”]Welcome to iBLASTinside’s Bareback Loading Zone, the place where readers and fans of iBLASTinside.com send and post their own tales and adventures. These are all true and told to Mark who occasionally massages the writing a little if needed.
Today’s submission comes from a thirtysomething former “safe” top. He’s naturally smooth and twink. He’s from Los Angeles and, well, he can tell his story a little better than I can.[/alert]
As a negative man, I was afraid of sex. As a positive man, I embrace it.
About a year ago I seroconverted. With it, the usual range of upset emotions flooded me: shock, anger, fear, disbelief, sadness, etc. But something else happened, too. Something I didn’t expect.
After the dust settled and I learned the facts about my new status, my libido exploded! I was so turned on, almost all the time, especially at the thought of being fucked raw and bred.
I never really thought of myself as a bottom before, so this was new for me. I also started to feel like I was really a part of the community, willing to experiment sexually and do shit I only fantasized about and watched in porn. Funny thing is, I didn’t realize just how uptight and scared of sex I used to be until after I was no longer shackled by my negative sero-status.
Once I became poz, most of my inhibitions about sex started to fall away. I began hooking up more frequently, offering my hole and telling guys to unload in me. I wanted to hear guys tell me they were going to shoot inside me and I was really turned on if they refused to pull out.
I even set up a gang bang and invited poz men to anonymously breed me, which I have never done before. I took six loads that night and could have easily taken twice that or more. It really felt amazing.
Finally, what I didn’t realize when I was negative, was that I was now experiencing sex, I was embracing sex in a very bold way.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved sex. But like a lot of us, I was indoctrinated to believe that fucking will kill you if you’re not “safe.” So I never even considered to letting my inhibitions completely go; it just wasn’t an option.
I could never quite resolve this deep-rooted fear with the simple fact that I love cock and cum.
As a poz man, I have come to realize that at my core I am a cum-loving sex pig and there is nothing hotter to me than feeling a guy’s raw dick inside my body. I love thinking about it, I love doing it, I love watching it, and I love hearing about it!
I now find men who are sexually timid to be a complete turn off. I don’t want to teach or feel like I’m dragging anyone into a sexual experience. I want to be joined.
Fear of sex has little place with me anymore. This awakening would never have happened had I not become poz.
As a neg man, I was a typical “serosorter,” programmed to associate HIV with death. Any man that appeared to have that “HIV-positive look” (usually as a result of side effects of earlier medications and treatments) was completely off limits to me as an HIV-negative man. I realize now that that was my own prejudice because it was rooted in fear and ignorance. But I never recognized it as such, I just thought I was “being safe.”
Ironically, after I seroconverted, I now find poz men incredibly hot. I am now VERY turned on by poz men… but more significantly, I’m even more turned on by uninhibited men. It’s as if coming to terms with my own mortality provoked a strong response to live.
When I see that in other men, I recognize there must be some shared journey in that. I am part of a tribe now, part of a community that embraces its own. In so many ways I am relieved to have shed those HIV prejudices.
I used to screen guys about their status before having sex with them. Based on their sincerity, appearance and/or my intuition, I would determine what I would do sexually — if anything. There was always an element of unpleasant anxiety that went with it, but I never knew anything different, so I just accepted that as part of the deal. Of course there were few after-the-fact scares and I was tested somewhat regularly for HIV and stds.
If a guy told me he was positive or I suspected was positive, then I would usually pass on the encounter. In the back of my mind, I truly thought I was safe from HIV. But this illusion is such bullshit and self-delusional. It’s all fear and mental gymnastics and unsustainable.
So I fucked a guy and seroconverted. I didn’t intend it to happen, but ultimately I’m more grateful than not. Now I can actually relax, find contentment and peace and ton of sexual resolution. I am more into sex now that I have ever been before and have discovered the spiritual-sexual connection between men and the drive to fuck and be fucked…and if a guy tells me he’s poz, my dick starts to swell and my hole aches to be fucked and loaded up.
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