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Gloryhole Etiquette

Gloryhole Etiquette

What is a Gloryhole?

A gloryhole Open-New-Window-External is a opening or hole in a wall, partition or divider about waist high so that a man can pass his cock through from one side to the other so that another man on the other side may service his cock orally (blowjob), anally (fuck) or manually (handjob). Gloryholes are most often associated with blowjobs or oral servicing.

The gloryhole allows for an anonymous sexual experience where the blowjob giver (or bottom) cannot see anything but the cock of the blowjob receiver (or top) and the blowjob receiver just feels the oral attentions of whoever happens to be on the other side of the partition.

Gloryhole in a public restroomGloryholes are most often found at adult bookstores and sex clubs, but can occasionally be carved out at certain public restrooms (also known as tearooms), rest stops (or cottages in the UK and Europe) or even in some people’s homes.

Public and semi-public locations are considered AYOR or at your own risk Open-New-Window-External, where one might be caught by those not into such activity or, worse, law enforcement. Once must be incredibly careful and focused on one’s surroundings in an AYOR location.

Is there really an Etiquette to Gloryholes?

My short answer is yes.

In general, one needs to understand the subtle movements of each party to begin to comprehend the unspoken language of the sexual encounter that may (or may not) occur. Expectations should also be fulfilled and getting them satisfied might be also an effort.

If you’re sticking your cock through a hole and the cocksucker on the other side suddenly stops, you might wonder why or, on the other hand, a cocksucker could be fellating away when the cock suddenly withdraws.

If it happens once, you can attribute that to the fickleness of the person on the other side. But if a pattern develops, you might want to consider something’s up. The problem might be you.

This guide provides a standard approach to giving and receiving, sucking and fucking as well as all the signals and indications.

The Different Gloryholes

Yes, there are different kinds of gloryholes to choose from. In these cases, one must be aware of your choices and act appropriately.

Bookstore or Sex Club Carved Gloryhole

These are your top-of-the-line choices, sometimes even including handholds for the guy who’s putting his cock through and a stool or seat for the man who’s sucking or servicing cock. I’ve even heard of places where the gloryhole is more of an ass-shaped opening with a slight, cushioned ledge for the bottom to rest his ass comfortably (I’ve never seen such).

Ideal shape of a gloryholeThe best provide for different height options, so the openings are more elongated, as illustrated. This allows for a man who’s 6-foot-3 or 5-foot-4 to stick his cock through without straining his back.

Generally, these gloryholes have been professionally cut and the edges smoothed so that no splinters or other issues are in the way. Often, duct-tape may be taken to line the edges to assure nonesuch issues will get in the way of thrusts around the sensitive groin areas.

The thickness of the partition should be about a quarter inch.

platform-gloryholesSome sex clubs will create a location where the top men step up onto a platform and the bottom or servicer can stand upright as well (see illustration). This is a convenience but it does not provide for anal options in sex through a gloryhole.

AYOR Gloryholes

Found in bathrooms usually in older malls and store rest rooms, rest stops, truck stops, colleges and universities and other places, these gloryholes are patiently and lovingly created by the perverts who frequent the cruisy location and are tired of bending over and serving under the bathroom stall partition. Because these partitions are normally metal, these gloryholes can include sharp edges, so being extremely careful with your cock is paramount.

Cuts can occur when a new visitor to the bathroom opens the door and you have to jerk your cock back and resume the sitting position as if you’re taking a shit. That’s why duct, fabric or masking tape is a friend and should be used along the edges. If not available at the time, keep a hand (or two) cupped around the hole for an easy withdrawal.

Private, In-Home Gloryholes

These are appearing more and more frequently as AYOR holes disappear and people are reluctant to pay entry fees or drive long distances to adult bookstores or sex clubs. You can see invitations to gloryholes online at Craigslist.org. Just look at the Personals sections of Casual Encounters or Men Seeking Men.

I prefer to clarify a few things about the gloryhole setup, as to what it’s like.

Generally, the best situation has a private entrance.

Sheet, tarp or shower curtain with cut hole: This is the cheap or quickest gloryhole option. Sometimes this can be fun but generally I prefer a more solid partition.

A Bed GloryholeBed gloryhole: I’ve actually experienced this a couple of times (see the photo). It can be fun.

Doorway gloryhole: The best potential setup, of course. But it’s best not to use a real door because it can be too thick.

Suggestions for Oral Servicing

1. Pace yourself

If you’re oral only, don’t exhaust yourself in the first two minutes. I expect it will take me at least five solid minutes of oral before popping off.

2. Minimal hands

If you must use your hands, do not use them in exclusion of your mouth. Combine the two. If I wanted a handjob, I would have done it myself.

3. No teeth

I think it should go without saying but, fuck, I still get a good scraping. Last month, someone actually scratched me near the head on the left side of my cock.

4. Take a hint

If we’re pulling away, you need to start doing your best or we’re leaving. Even if you do your best, it may not be good enough for what each cock needs (more on that in a minute). So don’t go grabbing after it. Just cause you didn’t get a load doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy ourselves.

5. Sometimes we will be back

Occasionally we will sample the room of cocksuckers and then return to the best. It’s rare for me to know I’ve found the best, especially if I’m hoping for a little ass. And I can count on one hand the number of times I know a blowjob is going to do the job of an assfucking.

6. I don’t want to hear you spit

Even if you are going to spit, I want to believe you swallowed. So please, the whole places doesn’t need to hear you attempt to scrape your lungs and throat with mucus to remove every little element of my sperm. My swimmers deserve a death in your stomach or ass, so please, make their euthanasia silent for me.

Now for some of the motions I make (or I think a lot of tops make) to help you understand what we mean…

Three-way gloryholes can be fun too

      

 

Gestures and Their Meaning

1. Hand at the gloryhole.

Gesture by the oral servicer or the bottom.
Please put your cock through this gloryhole so I might give your cock pleasure.

2. Cock through the gloryhole.

Gesture by the top or the servicee.
Please suck my cock.

3. Elbow or palm of hand blocking a gloryhole.

Gesture by either party.
I am not interested in servicing you or being serviced by you. This is unlikely to change throughout the time you’re visiting at the gloryhole location.

4. Face at a gloryhole (usually with mouth open and tongue out).

Gesture by the oral servicer.
Please fuck my face.

cock through a gloryhole

5. Two men shaking their cocks at one another on either side.

Gesture usually by two men desiring to be oral servicees.
If one is versatile, the polite thing to do is to kneel and start sucking. Usually the older, less good looking or the less hung should be doing the sucking.

6. The suckee receives for a while; the servicer pauses with a push away or a couple of light taps on the cock (kind of like a tap on the shoulder).

This usually occurs when the other party wants to get sucked too or wants to discuss meeting together in the same booth. By the way, it’s okay to decline meeting in the same booth. For the gloryhole experience, part of the fun is the whole gloryhole anonymous thing, even though you can see them through the hole.

7. The suckee receives for a while, a pause comes and there’s a slap on the cock.

This usually means the asshole cocksucker is leaving. It’s also an indicator of a couple of more things that I regret to inform you.

(1.) You have disappointed the cocksucker with your size. Cocksuckers like to be challenged and, if yours just doesn’t snake far enough down their throat, then fuck off. Or,
(2.) the cocksucker thinks he’s so damn good that you should have shot your load by now and he’s done sucking you.

8. The suckee receives for a while, up to hardness and a little beyond; then the cocksucker stops and there’s a firm grip on the receiver’s cock and a pause…

We’ll address fucking through a gloryhole in a moment in another section, but that is indeed is what’s about to happen. That firm grip means two things:

(1.) Positioning your cock to line it up for the ass; or,
(2.) Positioning your cock for a rubber.

9. The sucker is giving a blowjob and the cock begins to move in a fucking motion.

sucking through a gloryholeThe top either wants to…

(1.) fuck your mouth; or,
(2.) fuck your ass.

The latter is more likely, at least when I make the motion.  If fucking your ass is an option, get to it. The most important part now to to vary what you’re doing.

If you won’t go to the ass, don’t be surprised if number 10 ends up happening. With your mouth, go down deeper on his cock, work the whole shaft and see if you can take a whole mouth fucking. That said, if he’s a top like me, he wants to unload in an ass and a mouth just isn’t enough

10. The suckee begins to pull out slowly.

The sucker is not earning his keep. The top is getting bored with the sucking and is considering moving on but has given you another opportunity to redouble effort and prove the blowjob giver is the one he should let suck you off.

11. The suckee all of a sudden pulls out or jerks away.

One of two things:

(1.) The bottom used teeth. Don’t do that.
(2.) The top is too close to coming and he’s not quite ready for it.

Either way, take it slow if you get the cock back in hand, be gentle and kind.

12. The top’s balls are shaved.

I believe if a top shaves his balls or he makes the point of getting them through the gloryhole, there’s a task for the bottom and that’s to lick, lick and lick some more. Access might be tough, but still, it’s an invitation to lick away.

Now, there are many other possibilities. I will often step away and look into the hole. If, on the other side, I see a naked guy, I might give him a little more time to get up the courage to do what I hope he will do. Otherwise, I’ll move on.

      

Fucking Through a Gloryhole

bareback fucking through a gloryholeThe ultimate experience has got to be fucking though a gloyhole and, of course, I would approve of that bareback. If you are at all concerned about fucking barebacking, be aware that this is a potential experience when you put your cock through a hole. I have found that about 20 percent of the time (or one out of five fucks) you will luck up with a gloryhole fuck. Hints that this will happen can usually be told if you see the servicer is completely naked, but that is not always the case.

If the bottom chooses to use a condom, the sensation I’m most familiar with is what I’ll call the pinch. It’s how some inexperienced people will usually put a condom on someone else, by pinching the tip to remove air but leave an empty reservoir for cum later. Generally, the applier will catch the tip of the cock as well and it can, well, pinch a little. It doesn’t hurt as much as it’s uncomfortable.

Following that process is the roll, where the condom is rolled down the shaft. Again, this sensation doesn’t feel ideal but usually the sense is the sudden dulling of sensation.

At this point, you’ll usually hear the pop, as the bottom opens a bottle of lube and begins applying it liberally on your plastic sheathed cock and on his ass.

Finally, there’s the base death grip,  which guides the cock into the hole.

Generally, whether bareback or covered, allowing the bottom to back up on your cock is a good idea. Then, once he leans back onto the gloryhole, it’s the top’s queue to fuck away. The top usually moves for this while the bottom stays stationary.

As for bareback fucking, I find the bottoms are more prepared, usually well lubed and ready to just back up. They usually go from sucking to the base death grip.

It goes without saying that, if you’re going to be fucked, please clean out well before arriving and, well, monitor your cleanliness. If I catch the scent of shit, I will leave quick without the polite “thank you” tap on the ass.

I have removed a condom while fucking and he knew it. If you’re a bottom and you want the condom on the top, pay attention.

As for how long it should last, well, there’s the polite way. If the ass is good, I will fuck it until I cum. Once I cum, I tap a nice “thank you” and zip up and leave. If I’m not ready to cum, I still tap a “thank you.” If there’s a problem with the ass, I simply leave. Nothing polite about it. I hope the rudeness sends a message to the ass he needs to check on things.

 

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Gloryhole Etiquette: Be a Good Cocksucker or Cocksitter or Cockserver

Gloryhole Etiquette: Be a Good Cocksucker or Cocksitter or Cockserver

Last night, I went to two spots where gloryholes can be a terrific experience. But in the end, that experience turned into a bit of a nightmare.

An oral release can be good. It’s rare for me. It takes a skilled provider who knows what he’s doing. My experience last night proved to be less than ideal.

Two spots in Atlanta provide for great gloryholes — Manifest and Inserection (Cheshire Bridge). I hit Manifest first and, early in the evening, three suckers in a row did a progressively better job, which speaks to the skills of good suckers at gloryholes.

The first one took my semi-hardon and began working it with his warm mouth, bringing me to full-hardon. No teeth and good, deep strokes. He varied his pace and used his tongue. But after a couple of minutes would need to pause for a breather. Endurance turned out to be disappointing. His pause choice usually meant to purse the lips at the tip, lick a little before a pause. As I would begin to withdraw, thinking my time was over, he’d start back.

Second guy had more endurance and a looser mouth. He’d go deeper to where I could feel his nose hit my pelvis. But his solution when his mouth got tired. Hand jerk. And a hard hand jerk.

The third guy did a much better job with endurance, keeping it up for more than five minutes. His technique, which is among the best and I approve the most. Go deep, use your tongue to stimulate and shaft and add your fingers to the balls for more stimulation. Still, he resorted to a jerkoff.

After fucking a nice, very thin Asian, I hung out a while longer and found no new action (actually, I did… I went into a booth and found myself face first to three cocks, so I stepped off).

Off to Inserection, which I found was busy as hell. My first booth visit found a man with good oral technique supplemented by hand jerk. He used both together. Amateur, which made me think another self-identified bisexual who is just getting his cock fix for the month.

My next experience ended up in the same booth was a skull fuck buddy who could take it hard, but asked me to hold off cumming.

Don’t ever ask that.

Anyway, so we end up here and I’ve got suggestions to go all the way around.

Suggestions for Oral Servicing

1. Pace yourself.

If you’re oral only, don’t exhaust yourself in the first two minutes. I expect it will take me at least five solid minutes of oral before popping off.

2. Minimal hands.

If you must use your hands, do not use them in exclusion of your mouth. Combine the two. If I wanted a handjob, I would have done it myself.

3. No teeth.

I think it should go without saying but, fuck, I still get a good scraping. Last month, someone actually scratched me near the head on the left side of my cock.

4. Take a hint.

If we’re pulling away, you need to start doing your best or we’re leaving. Even if you do your best, it may not be good enough for what each cock needs (more on that in a minute). So don’t go grabbing after it. Just cause you didn’t get a load doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy ourselves.

5. Sometimes we will be back.

Occasionally we will sample the room of cocksuckers and then return to the best. It’s rare for me to know I’ve found the best, especially if I’m hoping for a little ass. And I can count on one hand the number of times I know a blowjob is going to do the job of an assfucking.

6. I don’t want to hear you spit.

Even if you are going to spit, I want to believe you swallowed. So please, the whole places doesn’t need to hear you attempt to scrape your lungs and throat with mucus to remove every little element of my sperm. My swimmers deserve a death in your stomach or ass, so please, make their euthanasia silent for me.

Now for some of the motions I make (or I think a lot of tops make) to help you understand what we mean…

Gestures and Their Meaning

1. Hand at the gloryhole.

(Gesture by the oral servicer or the bottom.) Please put your cock through this gloryhole so I might give your cock pleasure.

2. Cock through the gloryhole.

(Gesture by the top or the servicee.) Please suck my cock.

3. Elbow or palm of hand blocking a gloryhole.

(Gesture by either party.) I am not interested in servicing you or being serviced by you.

4. Face at a gloryhole (usually with mouth open and tongue out).

(Gesture by the oral servicer.) Please fuck my face.

5. Two tops shaking their cocks at one another on either side.

If one is versatile, the polite thing to do is to kneel and start sucking. Usually the older, less good looking or the less hung should be doing the sucking.

6. You’ve been sucked for a while and it pauses with a push away or a tap on the cock (kind of like a tap on the shoulder).

This usually occurs when the other party wants to get sucked too or wants to discuss meeting together in the same booth. By the way, it’s okay to decline meeting in the same booth. For the gloryhole experience, part of the fun is the whole gloryhole anonymous thing, even though you can see them through the hole.

7. You’ve been sucked for a while, a pause comes and there’s a slap on your cock.

This usually means the asshole cocksucker is leaving. It’s also an indicator of a couple of more things that I regret to inform you. (1.) You have disappointed the cocksucker with your size. Cocksuckers like to be challenged and, if yours just doesn’t snake far enough down their throat, then fuck off. Or, (2.) the cocksucker thinks he’s so damn good that you should have shot your load by now and he’s done sucking you.

8. You’ve been sucked for a while, up to hardness and a little beyond, then the cocksucker stops and there’s a firm grip on your cock and a pause…

We’ll address fucking through a gloryhole in a moment in another section, but that is indeed is what’s about to happen. That firm grip means two things: (1.) Positioning your cock to line it up for the ass or (2.) Positioning your cock for a rubber.

9. You’re sucking a cock and the cock begins to move in a fucking motion.

The top either wants to… (1.) fuck your mouth or (2.) fuck your ass. The latter is more likely, at least when I make the motion.  If fucking your ass is an option, get to it. The most important part now to to vary want you’re doing. Go down deeper on his cock, work the whole shaft and see if you can take a whole mouth fucking.

10. He begins to pull out slowly.

You’re not earning your keep. The top is getting bored with the sucking and is considering moving on but has given you another opportunity to redouble your effort and prove you’re the one he should let suck you off.

11. A sudden and quick pull out or jerk away.

One of two things. (1.) You used your teeth. Don’t do that. (2.) The top is too close to coming and he’s not quite ready for it. Either way, take it slow if you get the cock back in hand, be gentle and kind.

12. The top’s balls are shaved.

I believe if a top shaves his balls or he makes the point of getting them through the gloryhole, there’s a task for the bottom and that’s to lick, lick and lick some more. Access might be tough, but still, it’s an invitation to lick away.

Now, there are many other possibilities. I will often step away and look into the hole. If, on the other side, I see a naked guy, I might give him a little more time to get up the courage to do what I hope he will do. Otherwise, I’ll move on.

Fucking Through a Gloryhole

The ultimate experience has got to be fucking though a gloyhole and, of course, I would approve of that bareback. If you are at all concerned about fucking barebacking, be aware that this is a potential experience when you put your cock through a hole. I have found that about 20 percent of the time (or one out of five fucks) you will luck up with a gloryhole fuck. Hints that this will happen can usually be told if you see the servicer is completely naked, but that is not always the case.

If the bottom chooses to use a condom, the sensation I’m most familiar with is what I’ll call the pinch. It’s how some inexperienced people will usually put a condom on someone else, by pinching the tip to remove air but leave an empty reservoir for cum later. Generally, the applier will catch the tip of the cock as well and it can, well, pinch a little. It doesn’t hurt as much as it’s uncomfortable.

Following that process is the roll, where the condom is rolled down the shaft. Again, this sensation doesn’t feel ideal but usually the sense is the sudden dulling of sensation.

At this point, you’ll usually hear the pop, as the bottom opens a bottle of lube and begins applying it liberally on your plastic sheathed cock and on his ass.

Finally, there’s the base death grip,  which guides the cock into the hole.

Generally, whether bareback or covered, allowing the bottom to back up on your cock is a good idea. Then, once he leans back onto the gloryhole, it’s the top’s queue to fuck away. The top usually moves for this while the bottom stays stationary.

As for bareback fucking, I find the bottoms are more prepared, usually well lubed and ready to just back up. They usually go from sucking to the base death grip.

It goes without saying that, if you’re going to be fucked, please clean out well before arriving and, well, monitor your cleanliness. If I catch the scent of shit, I will leave quick without the polite “thank you” tap on the ass.

As I have written, I have removed a condom while fucking and he knew it. If you’re a bottom and you want the condom on the top, pay attention.

As for how long it should last, well, there’s the polite way. If the ass is good, I will fuck it until I cum. Once I cum, I tap a nice “thank you” and zip up and leave. If I’m not ready to cum, I still tap a “thank you.” If there’s a problem with the ass, I simply leave. Nothing polite about it. I hope the rudeness sends a message to the ass he needs to check on things.

Final Thoughts

I love gloryholes. Although I do peek through to see who’s sucking me, at times, I sometimes don’t just for fun. As for Atlanta and other destinations, I welcome feedback for places of suggestion. I will give you my thoughts on the two gloryhole destinations…

Inserection
1739 Cheshire Bridge Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30324

$10 cover to get in 24/7 except for a period on Monday mornings when they’re closed.

The space is in the basement of adult store upstairs.  Several paired up gloryhole booths with short benches and videos (which are normally ignored). Gloryholes are generally shaped like super-sized twinkies so different heights can be accommodated. But the MDF wood is about an an inch thick so good fucking can be tough. Five or so booths aren’t paired up for more “private” action without being watched but the booths are no larger.

You will not be harassed but occasionally a cleaning guy will go through and might seem a little irritated.

Dark with throbbing XM music played with dance lights in space. A larger room with nice sofa that generally no one sits in. Just off of there is a small “dark room” that used to be darker but now has lights in there. Sometimes guys feel each other up and occasionally sucking occurs here. Rarely fucking (it did when it was completely dark).

Bathroom with two locking doors but no seats on the toilets. Locker room and showers that no one ever uses. Drink and snack machines that costs cash; no diet sodas in the drink machine. Ms. Pac Man and other video games (strangely enough).

Pay cash to get in and receive a bar code that will allow you through the turn style; you will be asked for your initials. Used to have to show ID but no information was ever recorded. You can purchase poppers, lube and condoms. Warning that despite the labels, I do not believe that the poppers are legitimately from the place they claim to be. As someone who enjoys his poppers and knows which ones he likes and does not like, the ones I have purchased here have always been overpriced, never fresh and never the quality of those bought from other sources.

Manifest
2103 Faulkner Road
Atlanta, GA 30324
www.Manifest4U.org

A lot of details about Manifest on its website. Its open only certain times and it has a membership fee that can be pretty steep — I think I paid $25 the first time in. Then again, the other night, it was only $5. If you’re on the mailing list and know the password, you get $5 off to get in. Manifest does take your ID and record your information but claims the membership list is private. Additionally, the access is behind two locked doors that have to be buzzed in, therefore it’s more secure.

It is a lot cleaner than Inserection and has more advantages. Up front is a well lit lounge room with comfortable chairs, a cyber space with computers and a high-definition television playing porn (not bareback mind you, but still porn). It has kind of a Asian feel, very Zen.

There’s also a nice bathroom (only one room with a door that locks, but it does include a seat) and a urinal. There’s also a soda fountain, free, with diet soda, PowerAde and Mountain Dew (among others), condoms, etc.

The back half is called the “matrix” and is darker with music, lasers and lights. It’s more warehouse with larger booths that have small stools in many. Most of the gloryhole booths open to two sides (and therefore two options). Nicely enough, there are “hand-holds” (which are basically blocks of wood) and the wood is the thickness of plywood (about a quarter of an inch) and wider than Inserection.

There are a few larger rooms, even one with a mattress for fucking. Most include paper towels and a trash bag in them. These larger rooms lock and people cannot watch or get into them for more private time together. There’s also a space in the middle with a sling. I’ve seen the sling occupied twice. Once with a sloppy, ugly old man. Once with an incredibly hot guy.

There’s this “alley” and a jail bar space where I’ve been sucked through in the open as well. One incredibly useless space is set up like an adult theater, but of all the times I’ve been there, no one seems to hang out there. Then there’s a stinky smoking area in back (they claim it’s well ventilated, but it’s not).

Manifest is right down from a twink club called “Jungle” and when that closes, chances are you might catch some of those cream-filled boys looking to hook up since they didn’t get any there. But Manifest is also on the opposite side of the complex of a bathhouse called Eros, which I hear is fucking heaven but I have yet to try out.

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Male Population

Breaking Down the Male Population

A night a while back, one of my acquaintances online lamented that in his corner of the world, he’d fucked every asshole there was available. Knowing where his corner of the planet happened to be in proximity to a couple of universities and other places of “higher learning” (read “extreme intoxication” and frat boy experimentation) and knowing my chat friend happened to be in his rather youthful 20s (hey, black don’t crack), I challenged him on his theory that he lacked any options.

Inevitably, this proceeded to my own hypothesis, tested out time and time again over the past two-and-a-half decades, that about two-thirds of men can be had. So I decided to put together my own chart to help explain where I stand on the male population.

Chart of what the breakdown should be...

Men, to begin with, exist on a different level than women. Men experience the world through our senses — sights, sounds, smells even. Women allow their emotions to maneuver through this existence. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter.

This is my totally unscientific study and, by that, I mean I’m probably off by 2 to 3 percentage points.

Gay Men (24 percent)

Let’s begin with Gay men, which roughly break down into two categories: Out and Closeted. Depending where you are on the planet, the ratio between Out and Closeted vary and allow me to suggest why this is the case.

First, of course, the geographic location. In the South, where I happen to live, assault by Biblical texts will chase a man into the closet faster than a Baptist at a liquor store’s front door and he sees his preacher. In some countries, especially the Middle East and Africa, we’re talking torture and death if you’re discovered, so get comfy.

Second, and this is a biggie, is your position. If you’re a top, it’s so very easy to be closeted. Remember, a hole is a hole since men experience the world through sensory input. Natural tops can spend their lives closing their eyes, visualizing a man and fucking. So you wonder why there are so few tops, there you go.

Finally, the world is a place where, for the time being, we’re all about averages. What’s the average salary, the average distance, the average penis length, the average color, the average everything. The politically correct thing isn’t to say Asians have small cocks and African Americans have huge schlongs. Society — and I’m not talking about the Bible or morals — has decided that it’s “normal” to be married with a wife and kids. Believe me, my job would be so much more fucking easy if I played golf and talked about the little woman. I’d be ahead in my career if I were “straight.” Being closeted is a way to get ahead in my career.

In other words, religion, sex and money will put you in the closet.

So no matter what Kinsey report or survey says, I believe that when you get right down to it, a solid 24 percent of the male population is gay. You read me right. I believe almost a quarter. I am not kidding.

Bi Men (3 to 4 percent)

Funny thing, I figure the Bi men might get a little pissed at this one. I think the true Bi men — the ones hovering in the true center — might be the minority. Give me a moment to explain.

Kinsey created a scale of 0 to 6 where zero was exclusively heterosexual and six was exclusively homosexual, as illustrated by this chart I’ve included from Wikipedia.org:

Theoretically, that’s cool, but if you truly believe that Kinsey was onto something, then wouldn’t you need to be a perfect three? Actually, wouldn’t you need to be exactly 3½ or a 3.5 to be a true bisexual? Otherwise, you’d teeter off to either a homosexual or heterosexual side of the equation?

See? (Chart altered by me to show the perfect center.)

Again, men experience life through their senses, so you can fuck any hole. But seriously, the emotional attachment comes into the equation, you fall down on one side or the other and men may try out both sides but eventually settle on one or the other. True bisexuals are rare. That’s another reason why the Gay population is larger in my sampling.

Six-Pack Queers (23 percent)

Six-Pack Queers deserve a class of their own, although they’d probably end up split between Closeted and Bisexuals, if we could. If you were or are in the military, you automatically qualify for Six-Pack Queers. This classification is based on a joke I heard years ago.

Q. What’s the difference between a straight Marine and a Gay Marine?

A. A six pack.

In other words, get a Marine drunk and he’ll have sex with you. By the way, I’ve fucked more Marines that way. I’ve had every branch of the military (during active duty) except Coast Guard (if they count).

When you impair a man’s senses, he can justify his actions better. He can say he didn’t realize that he was sucking cock, getting fucked or whatever. He hides his true emotional and physical desires behind the booze. He’s easy to pick up at the bar. He’s the stupid blond sorority girl with the mating call of “I’m so drunk.”

Now not all Six-Pack Queers are necessarily in a bar, but finding one lurking there makes it easier to get him inebriated and into your orbit. If they’re not drinking, you can’t get them. Six-Pack Queers will not have sex while they’re sober.

To get a Six-Pack Queer takes a certain type of approach. As I explained, think of yourself as a predator on a nature program. You must approach your prey and seek his weak spots, exploit them and then attack mercilessly. As he whines about some ex-girlfriend, stuff his mouth with your cock and work it. Getting emotionally attached to any Six-Pack Queer will be the worst thing possible.

Straight Bottoms (19 percent)

For any man who has had the pleasure of something shoved up his ass knows the intensity of an item tickling his prostate, thankyouverymuch. Even though I’m a top, I know that prostate stimulation can provide some incredible pleasure. For natural bottoms, that experience is intensified.

Who said bottoms couldn’t be straight?

So let’s take a walk on the wild side for a moment. Let’s just suppose for a moment that a percentage of all straight men are, indeed, natural bottoms. They like — in fact, love and prefer — having things shoved up their asses.

Certainly, your girlfriend or wife or female whatever would strap one on and shove a fake cock up the ass. The plastic would feel good. It would. A certain need would be fulfilled.

However, let’s just be honest. Fake is fake. We can all pretend like tofu is meat but after a while, we want the real thing. It’s not Gay to want a real cock up your ass.

I believe the Chicks with Dicks phenomenon comes from this place, because I’m certainly not interested in any titty-heavy bitches with pricks. Who would be? What would Chicks with Dicks target? Where’s the market? Could it be straight men who want to get fucked maybe?

True Straights (31 percent)

Gotta love the Straight Boys. Believe me, there are plenty out there. And you might want to believe you’re one of them, but if you’re reading this, chances are you aren’t one. Not much to say about the ones walking the Straight and Narrow except they know that a mouth does have gender.

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A Newbie Guide to Gay Bathhouses

Bathhouse Tips

Tips for Visiting a Gay Bathhouse

I do not, under any circumstance, want to scare you away from going to your first bathhouse experience. They can be really fun. A few things to be aware of from the start. Most bathhouses tend to be in questionable parts of town, so precautions should always be taken. As with any such establishment, theft may occur so be cautious and take care of your belongings (when I first started myself, a thief licking my ass actually picked and chose which of my credit cards to steal).

Another thing, drug use occurs way too often and tweakers can be rampant. I personally think a bathhouse is the exact wrong place to indulge yourself in case the trip goes badly. I’ve seen weird shit go down too often. If things go wrong, the workers will usually just toss your ass out on the street. Tweakers can also be among the worst thieves, especially of cash, valuables, poppers and sex supplies.

Before you go…

1. Shower and clean up thoroughly
2. Clean and trim and be as neat as possible
3. If you’re a bottom or you’re thinking there’s even the most remote possibility you might bottom, douche, douche again, and douche extra deep. Then wait a couple of hours and repeat.

Things to bring with you…

1. Plenty of cash (to get in, snacks, drinks and a cab if you need it to get home or somewhere safe)
2. Driver’s license (yes, you will be required to show one to get in and some places even hold it up front until you leave)
3. A cell phone (some places say they’re not allowed, just hide it; you may need it later when you leave)
4. Poppers & lube (I recommend you bring two small bottles of poppers — because one will get stolen — and several pillow packs of lube)
5. Optionally, you may want to bring sandals if you’re concerned about a little athlete’s foot later (as if that’s the worst thing you could pick up in a bathhouse)

What not to bring…

1. Credit cards or any extra items in your wallet (again, it just puts them at risk to be stolen)
2. Expensive jewelry (target for thieves)
3. Condoms (no need because there’s always plenty of free ones available and around, even if you’re a nazi)
4. An attitude

[box icon=”arrow”]Attitude deserves a special call out. Do not bring one with you to a bathhouse. While there will people you will not want to have sex with, there’s nothing less attractive on a man than the I-am-so-much-better-than-you-because-I-am-buff-beautiful-and-young attitude. Truth is, you’re a sex fiend and you are walking around in a towel looking for dick or ass or mouth or to be pissed on or whatever.

There’s a level of mutual respect in a bathhouse that usually happens and I’ve seen attitude queens get shunned because they’re rude to the trolls.[/alert]

What to wear…

You are observed when you arrive. I prefer the casual jeans, t-shirt, hoodie, sneakers, etc. Again, nothing too expensive in case it gets lost. Oh, and I usually have an extra set of clothes in my car in case the set of clothes inside gets gone somehow.

When you arrive…

You will be asked for your photo ID (driver’s license) and will be required to “join” the private club or purchase a day pass (if they have one). It will be expensive — anywhere from $20 to $50. Then you will have a selection of a locker to different levels of rooms.

Lockers are just that. Just like a health club. All you get is a locker with a lock. You put your clothes and belongings inside it. You do not have a place to go to have sex. You will have sex in a public area or hope that the guy or guys you decide to hook up with have a room. Some bathhouses do not allow sex in public or open spaces, despite the fact they are a bathhouse.

I personally recommend a room for a first-timer. This will give you a retreat away from things. Most basic rooms just have a light-bulb with a small platform, a tiny cushion (not long enough to stretch out on), a pillow and a door that locks. It’s a tiny little room, basically the size of a closet. At the front desk, you are provided with a towel, some linens, a paper bag and a key to the room. Some places will allow you to lock items up front like your cell phone, keys and/or wallet.

(I personally never go cell-phone-less but I’ve never had a problem with the lock box.)

Room options including full size beds (which means if you’re going to spend a long time there, it might be easier to snooze), rooms with television (of course, playing gay porn), rooms with slings and other specialized rooms (massage, medical equipment, etc.). All of these options cost more money.

You are renting the locker or the room for a period of time — eight hours is normal.

If you choose to go with the buddy system and take a friend, you technically cannot “share” a room. To save the most money, one of you needs to buy a locker and the other can buy a room. But I recommend you both buy rooms and ask the host to give you rooms close to one another.

When you arrive, you are expected to go and find you room, remove all your clothing (yes, ALL of it, underwear included) and put the towel on. Then you are basically ready for sex.

A few suggestions…

1. Don’t get your feelings hurt when you’re refused or turned down. Everyone has their types.
2. Don’t be a bitch when a guy who turned you down earlier decides later to take you on.
3. You paid a lot of money to get into this place, so remember that it’s about the journey, not the destination. Don’t try to cum immediately. Just have fun. And if you cum, try to cum a few times before leaving.

Basics on a bathhouse

In general, barebacking is the norm at a bathhouse. Don’t scream at me. It’s true. In all my encounters at bathhouses, I’ve only had one man ever insist on a condom. I see condoms everywhere. In fact, almost every bottom I’ve ever fucked had condoms with him. Men love the appearance that they’re going to be safe. But the truth is men are pigs and that includes our sexual encounters.

If you want to have safe sex and you are a bottom, I recommend you take a spotter or buddy with you to make sure your top stays wrapped and keeps wrapped. I’ve never stealthed at a bathhouse (again, there’s no need to) but I imagine it would be easy.

You will encounter men of all shapes and sizes and races and ages. Believe me, someone for everyone exists at a decent bathhouse on a good night. You may not get your number one choice, but you sure as fuck can have a good time.

Don’t be afraid to step back from a bad experience and move on if you’re not enjoying yourself. It’s okay. If he can’t suck cock and he won’t let me fuck his ass, I move on. Not worth my time. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. And try not to let yours get hurt. It’s just about the sex.

Different areas in a bathhouse

Of course, each bathhouse is different so it varies. I’ll just highlight a few that I know.

1. The steamroom. Since I wear glasses, this is a room I generally stay away from, but it’s the old fashioned steamed up, hot as hell room. Sex can happen or start here. It’s hard to see (even if you don’t have glasses).
2. The dry sauna. Same as the steamroom but without the steam, so you can see what you’re getting into. I’ve seen plenty of sucking and even a little fucking in the dry sauna. Sweat really lubes up the cock and ass in this space.
3. Showers. Generally, men go here to clean up between encounters or to show off their bodies and big cocks.
4. Exercise room. Really working on my gluts, man. I’ve seen a lot of rooms with equipment but never seen the rooms actually used for anything other than, well, the beginning of hook-ups.
5. Sunbathing area. For those sun-worshipers, it’s an outdoor space for getting a tan (and sometimes smoking). Nude sunbathing is the norm here and sex can start and even finish here, although I’ve only really seen oral.
6. Jacuzzi and/or pool. Come on get soaking wet with other men. Funny thing is I’ve seen more men get funky in the sauna or steamroom than in the jacuzzi/pool. And they always seem to over chlorinate these waters.
7. Mazes. Personally, I find these spaces can be fun if done right. It’s usually a room, painted black with very little light. I saw one with black lights and with painted obscene messages in fluorescent paints. Sometimes there’s gloryholes. Wander through and see if lots of men are cruising around.
8. Dark rooms or “black outs.” Rather than a maze, this is just a room or a hallway that is completely dark. You cannot see who is touching you and they cannot see you. Anything goes here.
9. Dance floor. Yes, I have seen bathhouses where you can cut a rug and dance with you cock out. Not my thing. Don’t ask me.
10. Lounge. No sex here. Usually a nice space with a television, some fake plants and snack machine. It’s a place to take a break.
11. Locker room. For all your fantasies, no sex here. For the cheapest rates at a bathhouse, you rent a locker and you change here and lock up your belongings here.
12. Massage room. Some places will “rent” or loan the room to a “licensed” therapist. His job is to work out your stress, which seems to be in your shoulders, your back, your ass, your asshole, your balls and your cock. When all that stress is finally released all over his hand or the inside of his mouth or ass, you owe him money. Gosh, this place is expensive.
13. Bunk room. For the frugal locker users, they don’t have a place to sleep off the drug-induced crash or the post-ejaculation downer, so some offer this kind of space. Now, I’ve found sometimes hook-ups can start here.
14. Cyber lounge. So there’s not enough men in the bathhouse, check out all the men online and invite them over. Have cybersex online! Yay! Come on dude! Real live human beings with cocks and mouths and assholes nearby. Don’t be so picky.
15. Fetish rooms. Jail cells, medical bays, dungeons, meat locker, rodeo, sling, St. Andrew’s cross, etc. are available. Sometimes these are rooms at a cost, sometimes these are public play areas. Either way, if you have a fantasy, they can happen. I’ve seen each of these.

The different cruisers…

Door wide open, on his back, jerking off to video

Oral bottom 80% chance, anal bottom 60% chance, oral top 30% chance, anal top 40% chance
He wants a good look at you and wants you to get a good look at him. So, if you’re interested, linger in view for a moment. He’ll glance at you a few times. If his attention goes back to the television and ignores you, move on. If not, move to the doorway, rub your crotch. He should begin jerking off more to you than the TV. Again, if at anytime, he goes back to the TV, then move on. Otherwise, open your towel so he can see your inflating cock and move toward him. If he reaches toward it, close the door. If he motions “no” with his hand, move on.

Door wide open, on his stomach, “relaxing”

Anal bottom 100% chance, oral bottom 60% chance, anal top 0% chance, oral top 5% chance
He’s looking to get fucked, obviously. He might be a little picky about who does it. Slow down, approach, step up. If he says, “I’m just taking a break” or “I’m just relaxing,” then move on. That’s code for, “I’m not interested.” If he says nothing, keep getting closer and touch his ass. He’ll likely be extremely passive and you’ll need to guide him to suck if you want sucked.

Door wide open, on his stomach, “asleep”

Anal bottom 100% chance, oral bottom 0% chance, anal top 0% chance, oral top 0% chance
He is looking to get fucked and he is likely already loaded. A few times. He’s not picky (and it’s rare to find these kind of men are good looking or decent looking or anything above fugly). Sometimes they really are asleep, coming down off crystal after being fucked for 12 hours straight. Now I personally love dipping into a preloaded ass — there’s something hot about it — but there’s some places even I won’t go. I let sleeping dogs lie.

Door open, standing in door, naked, relaxed

50%/50% on everything
Eye contact is everything pretty much here on out, so if he’s in the door, he’s ready to invite you in. Just stop near by let him get a good look at you, you get a good look at him, look him in the eye, if he keeps looking at you, approach. Now hopefully he’s not staring at a bizarre birthmark over your left eye or anything. Tweak a nipple or ask in a low voice what he’s interested in. You can glance inside his room to see what’s out. But he’ll tell you what he wants to do. You do the same. Don’t be afraid to move on. Likewise, don’t be afraid to step inside and sample the wares.

Standing along the wall, no place in particular

50%/50% on everything
Again, eye contact matters. (Personally, I think tops tend to roam more and bottoms tend to be more stationary, but that’s not necessarily a rule.) Just like the previous one, watch him for a bit, if he watches you, good eye contact, saddle up to him and start a conversation. “Howzit going today?” or “Any luck so far?”

Wandering around, wearing a towel

50%/50% on everything
Following him will not work. DO NOT STALK. He will slow down if he’s interested in you. Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact. Generally, I monitor his pattern and if he’s headed a route toward where my room is, I’ll conveniently need to stop in my room. I’ll glance over my shoulder toward him repeatedly. If he looks at me and I’m looking at him, the message is received. I’ll leave the door open a crack and he’ll step in behind. Brief exchange of interest then go at it or kick his ass out.

Wandering around, wearing fashionable underwear, towel over shoulder

Bottom 90% chance, top 20% chance, tweaker 75% chance
Where does he store the Tina/crystal bags? In his underwear. He’s hot. He’s out of your league. But if he’s high enough, chances are you can fuck his ass. Just be aware if he’s been doing booty bumps, you might get some on or in your cock. In general, though, I’ve found that these guys run around in pairs and are actually the men selling the drugs.

Stalkers or (worse) stalker trolls

0% chance of anything
These guys just will not leave you alone. They follow. They try to touch. They don’t get the hint that you’re not interested. To get them off my scent, I’ve gone into my room, locked the door and waited for 15 to 20 minutes. If they’re still outside waiting on you to come out, I roll my eyes with a disgusted look on my face, close the door and wait another five. If they’re still waiting, I will be so bold to tell them to fuck off. Drugged up stalkers might make things a little dangerous so it’s not worth it. Just leave.

Couples getting their jollies

10% chance of anything
Seeking to get a little spice in your love life? Well, these couples are. So they go to a bathhouse, open the door and fuck. They want you to watch. They even don’t mind a little touching. But the top will not let anyone else fuck the bottom and the top will not fuck anyone else. That is, unless you’re a couple of leagues above their collective top status. So let’s save the bottom is a seven (on the one-to-ten scale) and the top is a five. The third they might play with would need to be at least an eight (if he’s another top) or a nine. That is, unless he’s really hung and the top is sort of versatile.

Jerkers (or voyeurs)

0% or anything other than bukkake
These are guys just looking to watch. They will wander around until they see something happening and they will stand back and jerk it. They just want to masturbate. They do not want anyone else to play with them.

Tips and tricks

Who has a room and who has a locker? Which did you rent? Your key is on a lanyard or wristband with a certain color. So let’s say you rented a room and it’s a red wristband. As you walk through, you notice a lot of men standing in the hall have a bunch of blue wristbands along with a few reds and a couple of greens. Chances are the blue are locker boys with greens for special rooms.

Between tricks. If you get hot and heavy with anyone, it’s polite to go take a quick rinse off. You don’t have to completely shower off and lather up every inch. But at least get the top layer of cum, spit, sweat and lube off of you.

Dick breath. I always carry a fresh pack of gum that I chew between encounters. I don’t recommend bringing a toothbrush (even for the best mouth hygiene, you could open your gums for bleeding with could introduce your blood or theirs). If you want something stronger than gum, bring a sample of mouthwash.

Using a secret word. If I go with a buddy, I always have a “secret word” that we both know. If either of us use it, it’s an indication of need. Loyal friends will drop what or who he’s doing and run to the rescue. Usually that means going to the other’s room. It really depends on the circumstance and your discussions with your friend.

Shit it out. If you need to shit, go home.

When to go

Of course, weekends are always the best — Friday night until Sunday night. However some surprising times I find works:

  • Mondays: If you didn’t get laid over the weekend and you want it, you’ll end up in the bathhouse on Monday. It’s also convenient to take Monday off from work since it’s next to the weekend.
  • Thursday night: College towns especially will usually have a good night on Thursday. If someone is taking off Friday too and want to kick the weekend off with a good lay, Thursday night is when the weekend begins.

Each town and city is different. Each has a different vibe, a different day or night that might make a different time better or worst. For example, when do the bars close? That’s when the horny men will show up at the bathhouses for a quickie.

Post an ad to Craigslist.org and see what the locals suggest. They will usually steer you the right direction.

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