The Last 15 of My List of 45 Random Things
Celebrating the 45th Anniversary of the Last Time I Touched a Vagina
15. The closest I’ve gotten to a female vagina was children’s clay
If you think I’m joking about it being 45 years since I physically touched a female vagina, I’m not. In fact, I might not have touched the vagina since there’s a chance I was a C-Section baby (don’t know for sure; I’m adopted).
When I turned 30, some straight friends of mine were teasing me about the clam and decided I needed to learn more about it. So grabbing what was handy, they took some children’s clay, molding the inner and outer lips along with the clitoris to try and explain to me how to perform cunnilingus.
Funny thing. They didn’t want to hear how to give a good blowjob.
14. Monogamy isn’t a part of me
Choosing to be with one person is a social construct. It’s not instinctual. Watch Jerry Springer to figure out human nature at it’s most basic is to run wild and fuck everything (and to occasionally get a nice blowjob from a tranny). Okay, so Jerry Springer might not speak to social norms but I know it’s not normal for me to be with just one person.
What’s luck got to do with it? In a way, I don’t believe in luck, fate or otherwise. But still there’s this cosmic fate in our lives. It seems every once in a while we deserve a slap-down for something or another. Sounds a little too philosophical, right?
Believe me, I am pumped by the overall success of the Bareback Brotherhood and very proud to be one of the cofounders of the BBBH movement. But I’ve invested as much money as I can into the site and the next step is virtual servers and rebuilding the site completely on another platform to get it to function more quickly. I can’t do it on my own (and even with the help of the other dedicated cofounders, we don’t have the resources).
11. More bottoms need to learn to be service oriented
I find more and more that bottoms are rather demanding. Isn’t that the top’s job? More often than not, the bottom wants it this way or that.
It’s so funny to hear a bottom proclaim, “I really like a selfish top.”
Then as I declare myself one, the real selfish one comes forward. “You need to come over,” he’ll demand. “And I need to sit on it first. And don’t get any lube on my sheets.”
If I put “top” in my profile, I get censored. Hell, in less than six hours, my profile is down even if I hint at my position. If I even put anything remotely humorous or sexual, Grindr slams me. But I see dozens of younger men who put “top” or “bottom” in their profile and Grindr leaves it up without a problem. Grindr leaves all kinds of shit up with young men.
But not with older men. Not at all. If you’re past 40, you can’t get away with it.
9. Gloryholes are fucking hot
I love them.
8. Gummy bears are the bomb
I like them better than chocolate.
So far this year in 2012, it’s been a good one.
6. Someday, if I’m a big executive, I want to sexually harass without consequence
I’ve always wanted that kind of assistant. I promise that I’d make sure he was well compensated.
5. I embrace being a geek
Gotta admit, I don’t mind it any more. When I was younger, it was difficult to admit I was intelligent. But now, I love being a geek.
4. I have to admit now. Forty-five is getting old.
And don’t give me “it’s just a number” bullshit. Half-way to 90. And 90 is pushing it for being really old. I kind of doubt that’s the maximum age potential. I mean, if I were to turn 90, it would be May 1, 2057. Bristol Palin could be president. Who wants to be alive for that?
3. I don’t watch live TV except in hotels
Thank goodness for TiVo. Someone should invent a kind of DVR for hotels. Or someone needs to put high-definition Apple TVs and Hulu in every room.
2. I fucked on my birthday
A muscle bear (blond at that) got a load from me today.
1. Even if I am over the hill, I fuck damn well
Time breeds experience. My experience breeds ass fucking so damn good.