HIV is a stigma. Don’t ask me. Ask someone who has it. Ask anyone who’s bold enough to actually put on their Grindr, Manhunt or Scruff profile that their Poz and see what happens. Here’s an example I used earlier of a friend of mine on Grindr who was messages for his profile which honestly revealed he’s Poz .
Lately, I’ve gotten a couple of questions from readers who had issues involving Poz men, one making me think of this particular bias. I thought both were particularly telling and deserved to be told. Forgive me for sharing because I didn’t exactly ask these gentlemen’s permission, but I think I’ve averted anything devastating and I’m obscuring their identities.
Truth Inside the Truth:
Who Should Fuck Me, Poz or Undetectable?
I had only ever barebacked with boyfriends…. But I’m feeling that total slutty sex itch from deep within my hole and I kind of want to try bareback with a total stranger. Let’s face it: it was fucking hot, man! So, I joined BarebackRT.com .
The first couple of days the only hits I got were from guys in the country and a couple of men in my home state, but several hundred miles away.
Today, I got hit up by two VERY hung tops, both within five miles of my home. One top says, “Undetectable.” The other says, “Positive.”
I really want to give it up again and I really want it to be raw, but their status just scares me.
I almost hope I had never even looked at their status. I don’t know. I wonder if I would have even cared had I not known.
Which leads me to question whether or not I’m ready… A big part of me says, “Fuck it! Let’s do it!” But the other me says, “No.”
(Give your own answer! Scroll to the survey below .)
You need to ease into this world you’re exploring. So much of what you’re been conditioned is that HIV Poz is bad and you’ll die if you get it. No matter how much you logically know that’s not true, you still have this embedded conditioning — and almost Pavlovian response — that creates and illogical fear of bareback sex.
It just isn’t true.
So let’s just break through this with a little more logic.
Men who are undetectable have technically at one point been exposed to HIV. However, their antiviral cocktails have been so effective that it’s resulted in repressing the virus so far down that a blood test cannot detect it.
Basically, these guys are now neg again.
HIV hasn’t disappeared from the body. However, the main route by which the the virus is transmitted lacks it.
Your chances of getting infected by an undetectable man are more than likely less than a man who claims he’s neg. Here’s why:
Neg men aren’t really that religious and consistent about having themselves checked for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. Neg men really don’t have a doctor hovering over blood tests to check all their levels and call them when a six-month test is missed.
HIV-neg men aren’t even notified or bothered about their next test by most gay doctors. And that’s the sexually active men who’ve bothered to tell their doctors they bareback.
Fuck, mine doesn’t even know I go raw. He lectures me but just assumes I’m using condoms.
You are so much safer with undetectable on a cocktail. There’s no guarantees. But just fuck it and go for it. You’ll be glad you did. Then in about six weeks, set up an appointment and keep it every three to six months.
Eventually, the guilt fades and your fear response will die down and you’ll just remember the fun.
Truth When It Should Be a Lie:
He Said, ‘Fuck Off, I Don’t Fuck Poz Bottoms!’
I get on Scruff and meet this fucking hot thirtysomething. We get to chatting and, bonus of all bonuses, he takes cock raw and tells me it’s his policy for the top not to pull out. I assure him that iBLASTinside (and he doesn’t get it — obviously, not a reader).
He can’t wait for me to fuck him bit I’m sort of booked for the afternoon when he says he only gets fucked twice a year.
“Twice a year?” I question. “You surely get fucked a lot more than that. You’re really hot.”
Well, he explains the Poz thing turns men off. And he’s a bit of a stickler on being honest and up front. He refuses to use a condom so he gets told more often to “fuck off” rather than to “get fucked.”
He doesn’t exactly ask a question, but it ends up I give him a bit of advice.
(Give your own answer! Scroll to the survey below .)
(for advice) As it turns out, you’ve recently tested “undetectable.” This means that if the traditional HIV tests were run at this time, the virus could not be found in your blood — you’d appear essentially “negative” to people.
At one point, you appeared positive, but if you said, “In my most recent tests, I came out ‘negative,’ you technically would not be lying.” This is especially true since you will be acting as the bottom.
I understand you have a conscious and you feel telling these random hook-ups — and that’s what they are — a random hook-up — that you’re negative and you’ve actually tested positive at one point may be considered a lie. But the risk you present to these slutty barebackers is almost non-existent.
Like I say above, it’s more risky for these guys to have sex with men who believe they’re neg but aren’t being tested all that often.
It is their own bias that drives them to say, “No” to you when chances are, several of the supposed “neg” guys aren’t neg at all. You’re safer to fuck than any of them.
Further, let’s look at it in another direction:
Let’s say your grandfather on your mother’s side was black. You look white. But the guy has one of those racist profiles that say, “Not into black guys. Sorry. Just how I am.” Technically, dude, you are a little black. Now he messages you because you look white. You’re attracted to him. You pass as white.
But the truth is, you are part black.
Do you tell him you’re black?
It’s not going to hurt him not to know. In fact, it might be a lot of fun.
Now it’s your turn to chime in. I’ve got three questions based on my advice. I want to see what you all think about my responses:
Who should the neg guy get fucked by?
- Start with the undetectable guy like Mark Bentson suggested (26%, 59 Votes)
- Skip both and try to find a neg guy (22%, 50 Votes)
- Skip them all and stop barebacking all together (18%, 40 Votes)
- Fuck everything you can find (17%, 39 Votes)
- Fuck both undetectable and poz guys (9%, 20 Votes)
- Start with the poz guy and get it over with (8%, 17 Votes)
Total Voters: 225
If you're poz but undetectable, is it okay to tell a hookup you're actually neg?
- Never (64%, 143 Votes)
- Always (16%, 35 Votes)
- I don't know (12%, 27 Votes)
- Sometimes (8%, 20 Votes)
Total Voters: 225
If your maternal grandmother was black but you look white and a hook-up says he doesn't like blacks, should you tell that hook-up you're part black?
- Never (42%, 64 Votes)
- Always (32%, 48 Votes)
- I don't know (14%, 21 Votes)
- Sometimes (12%, 19 Votes)
Total Voters: 152
Check back again here for continued results as more people vote.
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