Stealthing and Answering the Critics… And Advice for the Condom-Using Bottoms at Sex Clubs

Stealth Fighter
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I’ve received a few comments on my stealthing entry. Normally I don’t respond and in many cases, I don’t even bother to publish the fuckers who say shit. But stealthing is different.

I know stealthing is controversial, even among barebackers. And, when I wrote the piece, I expressed my own moment where I thought about my actions.

So allow me to explain.


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I believe in accountability of your own actions. You are solely accountable for yourself. As you sit there and begin to formulate your opinions away from the actual situation, step back from your assumptions. My favorite is that the top has balls full of puss-filled, disease-ridden cum and the innocent bottom is clean as Snow White waking after Prince Charming kissed her from slumber.

If you want to be accountable, you must choose your own course and avoid those circumstances that might not be what some idiots consider “safe.”

(And as a note, the only “safe” sex is no sex.)

This isn’t to criticize the feedback at all. This is to say people need to think through their decisions. Too many just see the immediate moments and not the larger picture.

going to a sex club is not an invitation for stealthing just like walking in a shaddy neighborhood is not an invitation to get robbed.

Well, let’s just say going to a sex club makes it more likely you will have sex. While in a sex club, you need to be aware of your surroundings and take the precautions you need to assure you are not stealthed.

If I go to a shady neighborhood (which I probably wouldn’t), I would be more likely to get robbed. Now if I walk around flashing money and not paying attention to the cash, then I will be robbed. I will ask for it. The bottom did that.

so if a trick you bring home does what he wants and takes your wallet, ipod/iphone/laptop, etc on his way out, that’s to be expected because you are bringing someone you don’t know into your apartment? or if you get roofied at a bar, that’s to be expected because you didn’t watch your drink closely enough? conceptually, there is little difference between lying to someone about using a condom so they don’t say no to getting fucked and giving someone a roofie so they physically can’t say no to getting fucked.

Exactly. You’re getting accountability.

When I invite a trick over, all my valuables that can be carried are carefully hidden and his movements are monitored. Plus, I always make sure I’ve got his photo and a cell. When his car pulls up outside my house, I usually snap a photo of his vehicle for the police if something unfortunate does occur. I’m most concerned about my ID because it’s more of a bitch to get replaced.

When I go to someone’s house, I only take in my car keys and cell phone (same at a sex club). Oh, and I do bring poppers. Anyway, I never bring an ID (unless you need it to get into the club, then that’s all I bring and I’ll lock it up).

As for drinks, I never trust someone to make my drinks. If someone gets me one, I watch it being made. It’s never out of my sight. If it’s ever out of my sight, the drink is accidentally spilled.

So I’m all for barebacking and people being responsible for their own actions and decisions. I’m a doctor and I’m always telling people about the risks of their behaviors. If they want help changing their behavior, sexual, smoking, etc, I help them, but I never force change on them. But when you stealth someone don’t you take away their ability to be responsible for their own behavior?

No. If you’re a bottom and you want a top to use a condom, here’s how you handle it.

  1. Buy your own condoms. You need to make sure they’re strong and not easy to break. So you have to buy a few different kinds until you find the right ones.
  2. Bring your own condoms with you. Do not rely on the top for condoms and lube. I fucking hate bottoms who ask if the top has condoms and lube. I don’t need condoms and lube. I’ve got spit. I don’t use condoms. We’re good.
  3. You put the condom onto the hardened cock of the top. This means you open up the condom during sexual activity and you do all the fucking work. Do not ever hand it to the top. Don’t rely on the top for it. YOU do it.
  4. You then guide the cock to the hole and slip it in. Once you put the condom on, don’t take your hand off the cock until it’s inside your ass.
  5. Monitor the fucking. If the top ever comes completely out or you switch positions, your hand goes to the cock to guide it in and you check the tip. Use the excuse to add more lube. Doesn’t matter.
  6. Don’t get pissed if the top walks off or goes soft. I will. I’d walk off. Fucking with a condom also makes me go soft unless the bottom is super tight and that’s very, very rare (and I know all you bottoms love to say you’re tight; sorry; you’re not).
  7. Condoms still fail up to 15 percent of the time so suck him off if you got the skills. Most of you don’t.

So look, I end up helping those of you who want to use the damn condoms. Not so happy about that one.

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21 Comments on "Stealthing and Answering the Critics… And Advice for the Condom-Using Bottoms at Sex Clubs"

  1. MarkBentson says:

    How convenient for your to miss some of the definition: “Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse, which is initiated by one or more persons against another person without that person’s consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or with a person who is incapable of valid consent.” In the case of stealthing, the person is consenting to having sexual intercourse.

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  2. Derrick says:

    Dictionary.com states RAPE: is any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

    If someone doesn’t want to bareback with you and you do it anyway, it’s technically rape.

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  3. Legal says:

    I think everyone involved with this is missing an important point, one that if you understood would have you remove this web site immediately. Current case law in the US and Canada is pointing toward holding those who infect HIV in other legally responsible. Do you understand that your web site could be used against you? Do any of you who glibly write stories about deceiving people on purpose realize that your web site will become your #1 enemy — a complete accounting of your actions — actions where you can be held legally responsible.

    Think this through.

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  4. Jason Cuba says:

    I would never assume such a thing :)

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  5. Jason Cuba says:

    possibly poz, Mark “…have just stealth’ed a POSSIBLY poz load into a bottom without consent…”

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  6. MarkBentson says:

    Jason, you’re making the assumption I am poz.

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  7. Jason Cuba says:

    I know you’re not trying to kill anyone, however you must admit that “not trying to kill anyone” sounds a lot like an lame excuse for the possible failure of good-intentions. Seeing that you have just stealth’ed a possibly poz load into a bottom without consent because “(you) are a stranger, (your) motivations are not to be all nice to him and respect him. (Your) motivations are to get (your) rocks off” clearly defines your intentions were not exactly innocent.
    Mark, don’t get me wrong, I completely agree with you that the world we live in is selfish. It is WRONG for anyone to blame anyone else for their own carelessness at a sex club or anywhere else. Your well being is not my responsibility, nor my concern. That is reality. But I think we could all be better than the standard that this world and its reality sets for us. It is standard to be selfish …AND to blame others when things go wrong. We live that reality every day. It is the art of things chosen well -small steps each day toward self improvement rather than often -a standard, selfish status quo filled with lame excuses and blame that guy mentality.

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  8. MarkBentson says:

    Jason, I’m not trying to kill anyone… M

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  9. Jason Cuba says:

    To James and Mark: You both argue valid points about idyllic moral responsibility (A.K.A blame that guy over there) and the realities of an ego-centric world (A.K.A. well, excuse me for living.) I think the most important lesson, for both of you to learn, is the art things chosen well rather than often. James, stay away from the bathhouse because Mark is there and he is trying to kill you; as he should because logically it is his right to do so. Mark, stop trying to kill James; just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Both of you choose not to do what everyone else is doing, strive to be better.

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  10. MarkBentson says:

    P.S. It’s good to see a little reasonable thought creep in.

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  11. MarkBentson says:

    James,

    Yes, you’re obviously a new reader. You can search “sociopath,” for which I was accused prior… way prior, 2009 in fact. Oh, sorry, asking people to self-serve seems to be a problem of mine. Most can’t even check Google Maps to figure out where my city is and they’re about 30 minutes away, so here you go: http://iblastinside.com/2009/10/musing-sociopath-me-really/.

    In fact, since I’ve written that, you might say I’ve softened a little. I’m not quite so harsh on bottoms as I was then, which probably doesn’t make as good for jerk off sessions but improves my chances for boyfriend materials — not that either are quite there.

    Am I a sociopath? Fuck no. Am I fucked up? Probably. Read my Dark Passenger series and you might see why.

    I don’t apologize for stealthing. I continue to believe the bottom must be vigilant to protect himself if he’s going to fuck a stranger. Since I am a stranger, my motivations are not to be all nice to him and respect him. My motivations are to get my rocks off. Sorry.

    This is reality, a wake up call, to anyone choosing this. And all I do is tell it like it is.

    Mark

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  12. James says:

    “You are making so many assumptions ” – Yes that is true, I am. Well, one assumption, I don’t know what else I can be assuming since you lay out the situation pretty clearly. I assume/d that you are HIV+ but I do not know this to be the case. This assumption is based apon the fact that you bareback frequently. I haven’t read all of your blog so I do not know if you discuss this at all. I am a top, and bareback, but tested neg recently, but because I bb most of the time, quite frequently, there is no way I can possibly know for a fact what my current HIV status is, so am assuming (again I do not know) it is similar for you or that you are HIV+. Because of this I do not “stealth” anyone and am very open with my partners about this situation. That way they also have a choice in the matter. My hope is that you are not + for the guy at the sex club’s sake. So, yes, you are right that you may not have done any harm – but as a frequent bb’er I wonder how you can possibly know this? But I do wonder what you think of stealthing. Do you really feel it is OK to do – poz, neg, unknown? Do you genuinely think that in any situation, the one being stealthed deserves it for not being 100% cautious at every conceivable moment? This seems somewhat cruel – it seems as if you would be advocating taking advantage/exploiting someone’s weakness to use against them for your own ends. Again, I return to the word i used previously – sociopath. Please answer me on this atleast.

    “You are somehow equating me and my fucking someone in a sex club with Hitler. Really?” No ofcourse not. Read what I wrote. The point I was OBVIOUSLY making was that your logic could be, taken to its logical conclusion used by any person, committing any act (morally dubious right through to being considered evil) to wash their hands of their responsibility of their actions. From a burgler saying “they didn’t lock their door with enough locks – so, I was in my rights” to mass murderer blaming his victims for the fault of, I don’t know, being there at the time he went on his rampage! lol. How is this different (not the level of wrongness, but the justification) to stealthing someone and saying “well they didn’t check the condom intricately enough”? Ofcourse you are not like Hitler. I was making a point about the logic of your argument. Thank God (atleast here in the UK anyway) the justice system doesn’t work the way you seemed to argue for your actions. Over here, the perpetrator (the one choosing to act in a dubious/criminal or exploitative manner) is the one at fault, not the victim. Maybe it is different in the USA. Again, this is all academic anyway as the big question for me is still open about whether you consider stealthing morally wrong anyway. Perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you think that doing something to someone against their will is not necessarily a bad thing, perhaps in your own case, you knew you were HIV- from a very recent test (I can’t see this is likely considering the amount of your – very hot to read btw – exploits) and therefore were doing no lasting harm etc. This is very possible ofcourse.

    ” You tell me you’ve never done anything for which you’re responsible? That you’ve never made anyone cry? Come on dude. But what I’ve done is somehow horrible and unforgivable?” – I never said that. The difference is I did not do something like stealth a person and then advertise it on the blog like it was no big deal and is something that should not even be considered a wrong doing on your part. I’ve made mistakes, but I would like to think I am aware of them, decide to avoide repeating them and don’t try to talk them us as no big deal. Even if your are neg, your actions are not necesarily unforgivable, but still remain horrible – in my own opinion ofcourse. Your handy guide to bottoms is quite hilarious. It’s basically saying, “look, I’m gonna do something to you that you don’t want me to. So keep a look out boys! Cus, even though you don’t want me to, I’m gonna do it anyway”. Polish your halo, it’s very nice of you. You could ofcourse have decided to warn people off the idea of actually stealthing people, but you went with the former!

    “you’ll somehow remain convinced that the world is sunshine and roses and kittens and that we all look out for the well-being of each other.” – I’m certainly not convinced of this, far from it. I just would like to think that right-thinking (not right wing, lol) people can make the distinction between right and wrong actions towards their fellow man, and hopefully make the right choices. And if they make the wrong ones, not to “talk it up” or brush it off and blame the other person involved. I really dont think that is “fluffy kitten” world to atleast hope for this. That’s all.

    Anyway, I do enjoy your blog and Happy Birthday. 44 is a good and very sexy age!! :)

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  13. MarkBentson says:

    James,

    I’ve taken a lot longer to contemplate the morals and ethics of my choices than you have, I would have to suggest. You are making so many assumptions and you’re not taking a step back and letting yourself dispassionately observe the incident then consider it.

    I went ahead and let you take your own analogy, which doesn’t work. This is nothing like a mugging in a bad neighborhood. You are somehow equating me and my fucking someone in a sex club with Hitler. Really?

    Did I cause ANY misfortune to anyone else? You are assuming I have done so.

    I am absolutely responsible for my choices. I chose to break the condom. My choice. I’m not absolved of that at all. Never tried to absolve myself of that. You tell me you’ve never done anything for which you’re responsible? That you’ve never made anyone cry? Come on dude. But what I’ve done is somehow horrible and unforgivable?

    If you could (I don’t think you can) but if you could dispassionately and without morals examine this situation, you’ve come away with a perspective a little different that the one you’re writing.

    Let me make a suggestion though.

    Please, stop reading my blog. It’s real simple. Your blood pressure will stay where it is and you’ll somehow remain convinced that the world is sunshine and roses and kittens and that we all look out for the well-being of each other. Maybe that’s what the British government does (although looking at your riots of late, I’m wondering).

    Mark

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  14. James says:

    My analogy does work. I am amazed and saddened here by your refusal to contemplate the moral/ethical dimentions to your actions. Astounding. The boy in the club was asking to be fucked, sure, but NOT asking to be barebacked. Just as the old lady was taking a risk – but was not ASKING to be mugged. I drive my car everyday – its VERY risky, but i am not ASKING to be killed. Life is risky and we take risks everyday simply by living. we are not ASKING for the worst to happen simply by taking calculated risks. I don’t understand – are you seriously saying that if an old woman was mugged in a bad part of town, you would not blame or incriminate the mugger? The mugger is acting morally? Seriously? No matter how much “attention” the woman was paying, it makes absolutely no difference to the ethical implications of mugging someone. i.e robbing somebody of their possessions and physically threatening/harming them.

    In the club, no matter how dumb and naive the boy may have been (from your description he wasn’t SO dumb and naive) your action of bursting the condom was YOUR act. Not his. He didn’t ask you to do it. He wouldn’t have wanted you to do it. He would have stopped if he had known you had done it. etc. etc. He gave you the condom, which told you he wanted you to wear it. He felt your cock to make sure you had it on – again, a verification for you that he definitely wanted you to use it. And still, YOU chose to stealth him. YOU CHOSE THAT, NOT HIM!! And that is why YOU are responsible morally. Not him.

    Your arguing for your selfish actions is no different to the mugger excusing his actions, or Hitler excusing his extermintaing the Jews by saying “well they shouldn’t have been in Germany anyway, they knew we didn’t like them”. Uhm, the Nazi’s were in the wrong for the actions of the Holocaust – not the Jews.

    Mark, stop absolving yourself of the ethical dimentions of your actions. You talk about choice when it comes to Bareback. Yes I agree it’s a choice and I make that choice too. You ask people to respect your CHOICE, yet you willingly (and celebrate the fact) that you went against another persons choice. Isn’t that a double standard?

    Finally, yes, you are responsible for your own health. But to say that absolves you of ANY human duty/responsibilty to look out for the well being of others, and not be the instrument of another’s misfortune demonstrates a sincere lack of human compassion or empathy. Infact I think it makes you a sociopath. With that logic, one would not need to look out for pedestrians whilst driving, or bother to call an ambulance if you see someone having a heart attack – because well, THEY are responsible, not me! So fuck them!

    Nice one!

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  15. MarkBentson says:

    Here’s the difference. Is she walking through the bad part of town paying attention? Or is she just not paying attention? Further, remember that in the sexual situation the person is asking to be fucked. So if we are to take your analogy to its logical conclusion, the old woman is ASKING muggers to mug her. She wants them to take her money (just like the bottoms want the tops to take their ass). Both parties don’t want to be hurt.

    The question becomes with a condom, which does fail, you can hope for no harm. If the top is dd free, then you get no harm also.

    This analogy just doesn’t work.

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  16. james says:

    What is the difference between what you are doing (excusing your own behavior) and a mugger excusing his assault on an old woman walking through a dangerous part of town?? The mugger could easily say “But SHE was walking through this part of town. SHE knows it’s dangerous! It’s totally HER fault.” What crap!! I LOVE bareback sex, but this is assault, plain and simple. Just as the mugger is in the wrong in my analogy – NOT the old woman. Yes, the old woman could be said to be naive and not cautious enough. But it is the MUGGER, not the old lady who is in the (moral/ethical) wrong! You cannot do immoral things, and excuse it by saying “we live in an immoral world, so I may as well act like an asshole too”. Well you can, which you have; but that just exposes you as the kind of person you are. Using your logic, anyone could do anything they wanted to their fellow human being and blame their victim for being too naive. YOU need to take responsibility and realise YOU did the immoral thing here. Perhaps even ruining this young mans life AGAINST his will. Yes he was in a sex club, but what a shame – a real shame indeed that the gay community has come to this. That a young guy getting fucked has to inspect, with a fine tooth combe that the guy who is fucking him WITH a condom, is not ripping the condom open to simply “get what he wants” without any thought for the bottom he is fucking. Sad, sad indeed!! So much for the gay community looking out for eachother!

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  17. Ashe says:

    Well said, though you forgot the part where your pull the condom off your hard cock and shove your load deep.

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  18. dork says:

    Just as walking in a bad neighborhood doesn’t excuse the criminality of the thieves or muggers, neither does stealthing someone in a bathhouse excuse your explicit sexual assault.

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  19. Sbcllr says:

    I don’t understand why your so bent out of shape about guys wanting to use condoms. You advocate that going bareback is your choice. You don’t want people pushing their agenda on you. I think that’s great. But I also think you shouldn’t be so upset when someone wants to use a condom. Shouldn’t you respect that choice? Isn’t that just the flipside of what your asking? If your going to ask for tolerance and respect, you should be willing to do the same.

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  20. RawDR says:

    You are still responsible for your actions. You cannot make a blog post telling bottoms how to get fucked with a condom as a way to make your stealthing ok. It’s not. The person who needs to be held accountable is the one stealthing, not the one failing to make sure the condom is there and intact all during sex. Thats why it is called stealthing, because you are trying to conceal it from the bottom because it is wrong.

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  21. baresex in the midwest says:

    I have to say….I thought your blog entry was hot…loved your old stories about stealthing and this one made me just as hard. I will enter into my blog in the next week about a similar hot story.

    http://baresexinthemidwest.blogspot.com/

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