Justifying Barebacking

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The Bareback Brotherhood and its recent growth forced a certain justification debate that, quite frankly, I should not engage. However, I do love a good debate when I can find someone with an open enough mind in which to discuss barebacking rationally.

Few people will, even though when the lights are off, condoms never come out of the packages.

As most men debate, they will admit to having bareback sex — just not condoning it. It’s funny to watch Gays in the same place as the right-wing lawmakers who persecutes GLBT rights only later to find they’re sitting in airport bathrooms tapping their feet hoping for a beneath the stall wall blowjob. It baffles my mind they cannot see the hypocritical stands they themselves take.

I’m getting off on a Dennis Miller-style rant. Let me back off.

This entry jumps around a little. I want to address a variety of issues and explain bareback sex in a logical, straightforward manner. If your mind if closed, stop reading now. Go somewhere else and leave me alone. And don’t bother leaving a response, especially something including negative feedback, I’ll simply delete it.

Why Do You Bareback?

I always answer this question with a collection of questions:

  • Do you smoke?
  • Do you drink?
  • Do you do recreational drugs?
  • Do you eat fast food?
  • Do you drink too much caffeine?
  • Do you drive too fast?
  • Do you always wear your seatbelt?
  • Do you do things that risk your well-being?

Answer “yes” to any of the above and, well, you’re risking your life too.

Smoking Kills More

Smoking is my favorite to talk about. Spend literally thousands of dollars a year sucking in toxins into a body, purposely addicting it to carcinogens. With every puff, destroy cells that feed oxygen to blood and, eventually, the brain. Those lung cells never heal. That mild buzz that’s created just for the smoker. The hazy exhale of waste pollutes the air. Clothes stink. With every additional puff, someday the smoker will likely get heart disease, cancer or chronic obstructed pulmonary disorder.

The number one leading cause of death: Heart disease. The number two leading cause of death: Cancer. Of the top eight leading causes of death, smoking contributes to six of them (http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,1911060,00.html).

In a discussion with an 18-year-old Twitter user, he told me, “One cigarette won’t kill you.”

My response was, “How many cigarettes did you have yesterday? I bet the answer is more than one.”

There’s no human contact with smoking. There’s a transfer of cash to big companies and, well, you destroy the environment a little bit more. And there’s nothing “safe” about smoking. There’s no safe option to smoking other than quitting entirely.

Drinking and Drugs

I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy a good booze fest every once in a while. And while I have never, ever partook in an illegal substance in my life, I think that solving America’s budget crisis could be in legalizing marijuana. While some medical professionals have stated healthy effects for these substances, I’ll bet most of the Gay community’s use of these surpasses the  healthy stage and runs right into the excess.

Have It Your Way with an Espresso Shot

America has become a country of obesity. We eat too much unhealthy food. I can’t speak for the rest of the world, so the fast food argument has to be one reserved just for the Yanks.

I want to add that we’ve packaged the entire planet into individual ketchup packets. Our fast food nation is about keeping us in our cars and away from each other. Our dinner and lunch and breakfast comes conveniently in Earth-raping Styrofoam containers for our carbon-monoxide spewing cars. And we need that Five-Hour Energy Drink to make it through the day.

Etcetera

By this point, I’ve made my point. Everyone of us on this planet is doing stupid shit. We do it because it tastes good, it feels good, it gets us there faster, it makes us feel better, we enjoy life more.

But of all the life-risking things on this list, every single one is ultimately something you’re doing alone. Even if you’re with someone else, they’re not connected to you. There’s a disconnect. There’s no intimacy in a donut at Krispy Kreme.

My Life, My Choice

Every barebacker has his reason for going raw. For me, I just got tired of fear. I tried to pretend I wanted to be “safer, ” knowing the full risks with every single act I did from a wet kiss to a blowjob. Then that moment came when it was my “boyfriend” and we could switch to being raw because I “trusted” him only to find out later that the “trust” wasn’t quite solid.

The proverbial straw on the camel’s back? This guy I’d pursued for a while. At the time, I was single but he had a boyfriend. He came over and with some heavy petting behind us, we jerked each other off. That was it. Not even any oral. In my 20s, you could satisfy me with the simplest acts.

A day later, he calls me frantically. He’s gotten a paper cut. A paper cut. Let me stress: A paper cut.

He got the paper cut after our encounter.

Further, he got it on his left hand. He’d jerked me off with his right hand.

He wanted to make sure I didn’t have HIV.

Now, fucktards like that shouldn’t piss me off. But that did. Idiots who didn’t know how HIV was transmitted and somehow thought that I might infect him a couple of days after just irritated me.

Then I just decided why should it bother me? Why should I — or anyone — live in that much fear?

A bus could kill me tomorrow. I could die of a million other things, why shouldn’t I experience intimacy I enjoy with a man?

The Top Five Myths of Bareback Sex

I want to dispel a few other myths about barebackers.

1. All barebackers carry disease or infection.

Contrary to perception, men who bareback are both positive and negative. In fact, what you might find among those who bareback is greater awareness of their sero status as well as any sexually transmitted infections (or STIs) in their pasts as well as the appropriate treatments sought. Barebackers are more likely to honestly speak about their status and engage with their potential partners in open dialog comfortably because this is part of their daily lives. They go into every sexual situation perfectly aware of the potential for any infection and are more up to date than most.

2. Barebacking with my boyfriend or within a monogamous relationship is perfectly okay.

Barebacking is barebacking, regardless whether it’s a boyfriend you’ve known for six months or four years. And the young ones reading this won’t believe it because their hearts are aflutter but one or both of them will cheat at some point in the relationship. Oh, you might not bareback fuck, but HIV and other STIs can come through other means (like sucking cock without a condom). Let me give you a scenario I know that happened with one couple. They went together to a strip bar — no cheating at all! One spent a little “quality time” with a stripper sucking his cock and ended up with herpes. Gave the herpes to the other partner. This causes breaks in the skin. Do you know how easily a tiny virus like HIV can slip in?

3. Barebacking is bugchasing.

For those of you who might not be familiar, bugchasing is someone who is HIV negative deliberately searching out HIV-positive men to engage in dangerously unsafe activities in order to “convert” to positive. Some bugchasers would go so far to inject the blood of other men into their own veins. Now that’s really extreme. But just having bareback sex with others isn’t necessarily bugchasing. Bugchasers are a small segment of the barebacking community. However, not all negative barebackers want to become positive. Many barebackers practice something called sero-segregation, where negative men prefer to fuck with other negatives and positive men insist on fucking other positive men.

4. Barebackers have raw sex 100% of the time.

Not true. Even if you becoming a member of the Bareback Brotherhood, it doesn’t mean you’ll never use a condom. The BBBH formed because barebacking is a legitimate and honest option. In fact, most Gay men probably engage in it at some point or another. Just because you advocate bareback sex doesn’t mean you exclude condom sex. That happens to be a choice I personally have made — and like most condom Nazis, a rule I occasionally break.

5. Barebackers have low self esteem or are suicidal.

I have no death wish. I do not want my life shortened. In fact, I would say barebacking allows me to experience life more fully. Because I know myself, I know my desires and I know who I am, I can say my self awareness sits where it should be. I have found barebackers to be more aware of who they are than most of those who use condoms — or say they use condoms.

A Few More Friends & Situations

I have many friends with whom I can speak frankly, some of whom use condoms. I have one who always uses condoms except when he has an encounter with a “straight” man. Now, this friend lives in a small town in the middle of no where. His perception of who a straight man is depends on whether the man is sneaking around on his wife or what-not. Still, it baffles me. He’ll slap on the condom with an 18-year-old college student who’s barely ever done anything but some thirtysomething man with a southern twang and we’re talking raw rider.

Another friend of mine waits until the third or fourth date then, in a heated moment without any discussion, he’ll reach down and rip the condom off and sit back down on the throbbing cock.

One acquaintance on Twitter with the words “slutty bottom” refuses to include #BBBH even though he’s a barebacker because he’s afraid his teenage followers (under the age of 18) will think it’s “safe” to bareback. Never mind he’s tweeting about fucking and he should block anyone 17 and younger as it’s totally inappropriate for them to read.

I am on a few hookup sites not specializing in bareback sex and often, other members will include in their profiles that they prefer those who are “safer only.”

Nine times out of 10, this is about what happens after the initial icebreaker discussion:

Him: “Want to get together and fuck?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re not compatible.”

Him: “What do you mean? You said you’re a top. I’m a bottom. Come over and fuck me.”

Me: “Yea, well, your profile says, ‘Safer Only.’ I only bareback.”

Usually there’s a little pause.

Him: “Well that’s cool. You can fuck me raw. Just don’t cum inside me. Okay?”

Me: “Sorry man. I always make deposits when I fuck.”

Another pause.

Him: “That’s really getting me hot. How soon can you come over?”

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17 Comments on "Justifying Barebacking"

  1. Hoodooized says:

    I rarely have sex, but when I do it’s bareback. ;-) At 59 I have little to lose but when I came out in my early forties (after trying to pretend I was straight most of my adult life) most of my sex was oral or protected, I am generally a bottom, but I finally tried it bareback with someone I considered relatively safe (note relatively) and absolutely LOVED it. Went both ways, but when I was the bottom it was an out of this world experience on so many levels. I can’t sit here and criticize anyone preferring bareback. As I grow older, I am wishing that I had started earlier even with the risks. No question that if you are out there doing everyone bareback it is close to a suicide wish, but still, the relative risk can be chosen and frankly it sucks to get old anyways. Why hang on for 50-80 years when you cannot live life your
    way? You don’t have to be stupid about it, but go for it without feeling like a pariah. I have many regrets, one of them “on top” is not having enough bareback sex. As a bottom, I regret so much in not engaging in what I consider quality (bareback) sex as it is the bareback sex that created by best memories. The safety police will always be there, but they cannot help themselves, I have found in every hobby, flying, motorcycling (now that is a insanely dangerous hobby), etc. there are those who feel that 110% safety is never enough and they wish to impose their anxiety on you. Don’t buy it…..keep your eyes open but LIVE your life.

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  2. Another great post, Mark. Thank you, my dear.

    Being the romantic that I AM, I can honestly say that I AM not fond of men being referred to as “pigs,” “dogs,” etc. But yes, I AM not naive that I can see certain similarities, but I digress.

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  3. Jose says:

    I just came across this site from some twitter post. I agree 100% with the hypocrisy gay men have in general. I will admit I’m HIV+ and will only bareback with other poz guys. Being HIV+ has been an eye opener of the hypocrisy in the gay world. I have been shunned by other gay men because of my status then these same men are into hard core drugs, are alcoholics, into the PnP meth/sex scene, in sex clubs, etc….but to the public they have this arrogant “holier than thou” attitude. So what you wrote about, I experienced different variations of…keep up your honesty and your feet grounded!

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  4. Cole says:

    I’m very aware that people lie, it would take an idiot to deny that, and an idiot I am not. What I mean is I disagree with saying that every relationship WILL end or result in one or both partners cheating on each other at some point. My only issue with this is it is phrased as if the person is stating a fact. One can speak from personal experience saying something like “I believe everyone will either be cheated on or cheat on the person they are dating” but to say it in a way such as “And the young ones reading this won’t believe it because their hearts are aflutter but one or both of them will cheat at some point in the relationship.” as if it is a FACT tested and proven by science/scientists is wrong because he gives no statistics to back up what he has said and therefor discredits that portion of what is all in all a very very good argument for barebacking.

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  5. MarkBentson says:

    You must be in your 20s and still hold out hope that people don’t lie and men aren’t always pigs.

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  6. Cole says:

    The only part of this I absolutely disagreed with was “And the young ones reading this won’t believe it because their hearts are aflutter but one or both of them will cheat at some point in the relationship.” because I do feel that that is not ALWAYS the case. However, aside from that I absolutely agree with you.

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  7. Rick says:

    Good reading, I was chatting with a yng guy in LA. He was camming and injecting Meth into his arm. I told him I would love to fuck you raw and seed your ass. He replied back to me, ” I don’t want to die young”. I relied your kidding me, your shooting meth several times daily and don’t want to die young. I told him use your brain and understand what your doing to your body and brain. This is just totally fucked up thinking.

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  8. Xander says:

    Most of what is said, I agree with, but not with “how” it is said.

    For instance, daily risk exposure to toxins takes time. One needs to subject themselves to drugs, alcohol, unhealthy food, etc. on a regular basis. There is a certain threshold needed (so to speak) to have it be considered a risk.

    Bareback sex is a risk only if the threshold becomes more than one partner. (Or 10, or whatever subjective number is chosen) The problem most have with bareback sex (even those of us who bareback) is that there is a LARGE minority that enjoys the thrill/eroticism of disease. They are on this site, and they are attracted to these type of few sites that exist.

    Many of us know our status, but even by your own poll, many lie. What is the number about? 33%? One third either don’t know their status but say they are neg, or are pos and lie. That is a pretty big risk for those of us who took people for face value, thought we knew them to a degree, and then find out later they lied because they wanted to bust a nut.

    Pointing out an unrelated risk has nothing really to do with the risk in question. It is simply redirection.

    I for instance was in the army, and overly worried about disease. I was a medical lab tech and knew how many actually had something. I still chose to risk bareback sex at many times because I felt informed. I knew their last test date, their partners, their personality. I never did a one night thing-an anon encounter. I hung out and got to know them and then quickly jumped into bed.

    And yet (over a 4-5 year period) I met many that tried to lie, and I luckily caught them in it (they had always either herpes, gonorrhea, HIV, or warts). And four (two individuals and one couple) lied convincingly to me and I found out after the fact.

    Those four I “knew”. We had hung out for months. Movies, skiing, amusement parks, concerts, etc. One liked me and hoped to become serious, but couldn’t tell me his HIV status for fear. So he decided to simply lie and place me at risk. What a great way to try and kindle a LTR… The other simply lied cause he got excited about me eventually getting “it”. It was the complete opposite of what you’d expect from his seemingly kind and caring personality. And the couple were two tops (pretending to be a couple) that were “mostly monogamous”. They played it up as they occasionally liked to find a third because they couldn’t fulfill each others desires in the long term. They wanted a buddy that would be around a while, because they didn’t want to risk anything. And they liked bb cause they couldn’t feel in a condom (valid). The real goal, they both had HIV and wanted to see how many loads it would take until I got it.

    Thing is, people leave their meds out, or computers unattended. They can’t help but bragging to a buddy (those that try to “gift-give”). For those that just feel they can’t say anything, you only find out if they tell you or you luck out.

    4 HIV people, multiple times exposed (took and gave loads over months), and by chance I happen to have been immune. I’m descended from plague survivors from Europe… yay. But I didn’t know that. I had to wait 8 months (I chose 8 instead of 6 to not put others at risk) each time to make sure I was neg.

    After the third time, I mentioned (I was in the army and lied about gay sex) that I had been exposed so many times to my doc. Out of curiosity, my blood was sent off and tested. I found I was “most likely immune because dot dot dot”. But not to rely on the results, use caution, etc.

    Long winded way of me to say, bareback sex is fine, but a large minority of the community is out to get us sick, and it should be judged as a negative.

    I’ve also been stealthed by neg people, who were confident by my concern I was neg and they knew they were neg, so they took off the condom or broke it. That I have no problem with (yeah I know) because they know they are neg and are risking their health, in their minds, not mine.

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  9. Robert says:

    Your article is dead on. So many guys deny barebacking and yet they are the first ones to do it. I know exactly what your talking about just in a different language hahaha. Its all the same thing they all deny it but they all do it.

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  10. Seth Chase says:

    Good read. Thanks for sharing.

    – Seth Chase – BarebackPlace.com

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  11. henry says:

    I always barebacked,and got barebacked I like the feel of flech to flesh

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  12. Athensgapoz says:

    Your article is dead on brother! It is amazing to think how many are actually still “in the closet” about their actions in regards to “bareback sex”. I have seen countless numbers of guys who profess “safe only” but get them turned on enough and they are the first ones to try and back up on a raw cock.

    Life is about choices and as adults, we should be allowed to make those choices.

    Keep up the good work!

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  13. John says:

    Well done. You’ve explained a lot of the issues I have encountered as I have explored this issue. One thing to take into account as well is the real possibility of a long healthy life now even if one has become HIV +. It’s a more managable like most of the STD’s we have fucked around with before. Not saying you will go pos if you bareback but we’re at a much better place to disscuss this now than we were even 5 years ago. Personal choice folks.

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  14. Matt in ATL says:

    Awesome job. Agree completely. Like I said in my post on the BBBH site the other day… I’m a late 40′s male, and came into my sexual gay world simply “having sex.” We didn’t call it barebacking back in the 80′s, we simply “fucked,” and it was great. I’ve spent my whole adult gay life “playing safe,” and honestly, at nearly 50, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the lack of sensual, human contact. I’m tired of the politics and preaching about it, especially when the straight world has never really truly embraced safe sex. The only reason why most straight people use condoms is to prevent unwanted children, not HIV. Honestly, I think we’ve all been made the scapegoats. There are many “dangerous” things out there. For God’s sake, I’m more at risk getting in my car every day.

    I say, be yourself. Practice what you want to practice. Do what you want to do. In the end, that’s all we can really strive for as humans. Be free. Be respectful. But be free.

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  15. William says:

    Okay I have never done comments before on things I read because to be honest most of the time I find the things to be poorly done or just stupid but and let me make this CLEAR. This posting is GREAT I am going to spread this posting every place I can. You did a great job and I hope you keep it up as a doctor I found your posting to be better done then not only anything I have ever read but better then anything I could have done. Also, Thank you for taking the time to come up with such a amazing post. Thank you Thank you Thank you (Yes I am also a new member of #BBBH and finally I found a place I belong for a long time I thought I was the only person who was so strongly into barebacking and not able to explain to others why but this posting will help Thank you)

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  16. Breeding Jock says:

    Great article my friend! Keep it up!

    That last conversation is exactly how it ALWAYS GOES!!

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