And now for the difficult part, as I look into the mirror and give myself the finger.
I admit my own sense of hypocrisy, as I accused the Asian in the entry before this one. But I somehow absolve myself. Not anymore. Shall we nail my ass to the wall?
Actually, I want to credit an Ozzie friend from Facebook who didn’t let me off the hook on this one. Never met the mate in person but so would I like to travel Down Under and get to know him, especially after his note, condensed here:
You’re a complete enigma to me, you know that? In your blog, you often talk about getting your pleasure with no regard for the bottom involved, that the sexual interaction is all about you and not about them.
But then you post a comment about how difficult it is to get close to someone, and I think “Dude, it may have something to do with the image you’re presenting of yourself.” When you make it so abundantly clear that you don’t particularly care whether the guy you’re with gets pleasure or not, I can’t say I’m surprised that you might find it hard to get close to someone.
Now I ask, “What the fuck do I want?”
My response seems to be, “Fuck if I know.”
As the exploration goes, some men explore with me. Four men have emerged in the last couple of weeks of interest. I never really planned on writing about them, but what the fuck do I have to lose? But let’s go through the numbers:
- Three consider monogamy an important aspect of a relationship.
- One is a bareback top who thinks he can turn me into a bottom.
- Two are strict bottoms who won’t have sex until love happens.
- Three out of state people want me to visit them at their locations.
- One is versatile and isn’t exactly sure if he’s all that interested in me.
- Two have made my heart beat a little faster, my breath quicken and butterflies happen.
- All have read my blog and will probably read this.
- When I call one of them, he can’t seem to carry on a conversation with me.
- Three have dark hair.
- One is a blond.
- One usually dates men in their fifties, so I’m really young.
- One usually dates men in their twenties, so I’m really old.
- Two have sent me their cock shots.
- One won’t send me a shirtless pic.
- None are “of means” or particularly well off, so I still need to work (sigh).
- Two would likely need financial support from me.
- One is older than forty.
- Only one could get me to bottom on a first “bedroom” date.
Thing is these probably aren’t the only men interested in me. Others might come forward after reading this piece, which is fine. And one or more of the men who were interested in me might not be anymore.
So how do I resolve my need for a man to use but a man to care? How to I deal with two men who won’t just fuck out of the gate and one man who wants to fuck me? Is this a kiss the frog situation until I find a prince?
And to be perfectly shallow, why couldn’t any of them be rich and fly me to them?
I’m wondering just how much to compromise. Think about how much I compromise right out of the gate if you’ve read my writings. So allow me to do my wish list.
- He’s more bottom or at least versatile. I’ve not yet written my natural tops and natural bottoms theories, but I just don’t see me bumping cocks the rest of my life with another top without a bottom in the photo somehow. And although I’m not the hung one in this photo, I just don’t see my ass opening up to accommodate multiple fuckings on a regular basis.
- Monogamy just isn’t a natural choice. Look, I’ve done it before. Multiple times before. With my previous boyfriends, I’ve not been the one who cheated and I’ve been the one who’s forgiven. In fact, since it’s something expected, I’m just not surprised when someone else enters the photo. I don’t even want to pretend in the future so the promises about not cheating need not be tried on me. Skip it. Let’s just do the honesty thing.
- Age is a factor. We all can admit youth can be attractive and the smooth, supple skin of a twentysomething can sure rev some motors, but fucking hell, when your elementary school years were the same as my young adult life and I make a pop-culture reference from the 1980s that goes over your head, I can’t help but feel old. Age is more than a number.
- Barebacking isn’t negotiable. Look, I kind of make it a point. As the Asian found out, I’m not going to just roll over and hope that someday I get your ass raw. Raw sex occurs from the beginning. And sex is part of the deal from the beginning. Some vague promise of sex someday won’t work.
- You are your own man, as am I. If I ever have another relationship, both of us will have our own lives. I don’t want to be joined at the hip.
- A man of means. I am not requiring a rich man but this begging for me to travel to locations across the planet just isn’t going to happen. If you want me to come see you across the globe, expect to pay for some of it. I’m not footing all the bill to travel cross country only to be abandoned at a hotel on my dime.
I hope this resolves the dichotomy. Or does it enhance it?