Last night, one of my acquaintances online lamented that in his corner of the world, he’d fucked every asshole there was available. Knowing where his corner of the planet happened to be in proximity to a couple of universities and other places of “higher learning” (read “extreme intoxication” and frat boy experimentation) and knowing my chat friend happened to be in his rather youthful 20s (hey, black don’t crack), I challenged him on his theory that he lacked any options.
Inevitably, this proceeded to my own hypothesis, tested out time and time again over the past two-and-a-half decades, that about two-thirds of men can be had. So I decided to put together my own chart to help explain where I stand on the male population.
Men, to begin with, exist on a different level than women. Men experience the world through our senses — sights, sounds, smells even. Women allow their emotions to maneuver through this existence. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter.
This is my totally unscientific study and, by that, I mean I’m probably off by 2 to 3 percentage points.
Gay Men (24 percent)
Let’s begin with Gay men, which roughly break down into two categories: Out and Closeted. Depending where you are on the planet, the ratio between Out and Closeted vary and allow me to suggest why this is the case.
First, of course, the geographic location. In the South, where I happen to live, assault by Biblical texts will chase a man into the closet faster than a Baptist at a liquor store’s front door and he sees his preacher. In some countries, especially the Middle East and Africa, we’re talking torture and death if you’re discovered, so get comfy.
Second, and this is a biggie, is your position. If you’re a top, it’s so very easy to be closeted. Remember, a hole is a hole since men experience the world through sensory input. Natural tops can spend their lives closing their eyes, visualizing a man and fucking. So you wonder why there are so few tops, there you go.
Finally, the world is a place where, for the time being, we’re all about averages. What’s the average salary, the average distance, the average penis length, the average color, the average everything. The politically correct thing isn’t to say Asians have small cocks and African Americans have huge schlongs. Society — and I’m not talking about the Bible or morals — has decided that it’s “normal” to be married with a wife and kids. Believe me, my job would be so much more fucking easy if I played golf and talked about the little woman. I’d be ahead in my career if I were “straight.” Being closeted is a way to get ahead in my career.
In other words, religion, sex and money will put you in the closet.
So no matter what Kinsey report or survey says, I believe that when you get right down to it, a solid 24 percent of the male population is gay. You read me right. I believe almost a quarter. I am not kidding.
Bi Men (3 to 4 percent)
Funny thing, I figure the Bi men might get a little pissed at this one. I think the true Bi men — the ones hovering in the true center — might be the minority. Give me a moment to explain.
Kinsey created a scale of 0 to 6 where zero was exclusively heterosexual and six was exclusively homosexual, as illustrated by this chart I’ve included from Wikipedia.org:
Theoretically, that’s cool, but if you truly believe that Kinsey was onto something, then wouldn’t you need to be a perfect three? Actually, wouldn’t you need to be exactly 3½ or a 3.5 to be a true bisexual? Otherwise, you’d teeter off to either a homosexual or heterosexual side of the equation?
See? (Chart altered by me to show the perfect center.)
Again, men experience life through their senses, so you can fuck any hole. But seriously, the emotional attachment comes into the equation, you fall down on one side or the other and men may try out both sides but eventually settle on one or the other. True bisexuals are rare. That’s another reason why the Gay population is larger in my sampling.
Six-Pack Queers (23 percent)
Six-Pack Queers deserve a class of their own, although they’d probably end up split between Closeted and Bisexuals, if we could. If you were or are in the military, you automatically qualify for Six-Pack Queers. This classification is based on a joke I heard years ago.
Q. What’s the difference between a straight Marine and a Gay Marine?
A. A six pack.
In other words, get a Marine drunk and he’ll have sex with you. By the way, I’ve fucked more Marines that way. I’ve had every branch of the military (during active duty) except Coast Guard (if they count).
When you impair a man’s senses, he can justify his actions better. He can say he didn’t realize that he was sucking cock, getting fucked or whatever. He hides his true emotional and physical desires behind the booze. He’s easy to pick up at the bar. He’s the stupid blond sorority girl with the mating call of “I’m so drunk.”
Now not all Six-Pack Queers are necessarily in a bar, but finding one lurking there makes it easier to get him inebriated and into your orbit. If they’re not drinking, you can’t get them. Six-Pack Queers will not have sex while they’re sober.
To get a Six-Pack Queer takes a certain type of approach. As I explained, think of yourself as a predator on a nature program. You must approach your prey and seek his weak spots, exploit them and then attack mercilessly. As he whines about some ex-girlfriend, stuff his mouth with your cock and work it. Getting emotionally attached to any Six-Pack Queer will be the worst thing possible.
Straight Bottoms (19 percent)
For any man who has had the pleasure of something shoved up his ass knows the intensity of an item tickling his prostate, thankyouverymuch. Even though I’m a top, I know that prostate stimulation can provide some incredible pleasure. For natural bottoms, that experience is intensified.
Who said bottoms couldn’t be straight?
So let’s take a walk on the wild side for a moment. Let’s just suppose for a moment that a percentage of all straight men are, indeed, natural bottoms. They like — in fact, love and prefer — having things shoved up their asses.
Certainly, your girlfriend or wife or female whatever would strap one on and shove a fake cock up the ass. The plastic would feel good. It would. A certain need would be fulfilled.
However, let’s just be honest. Fake is fake. We can all pretend like tofu is meat but after a while, we want the real thing. It’s not Gay to want a real cock up your ass.
I believe the Chicks with Dicks phenomenon comes from this place, because I’m certainly not interested in any titty-heavy bitches with pricks. Who would be? What would Chicks with Dicks target? Where’s the market? Could it be straight men who want to get fucked maybe?
True Straights (31 percent)
Gotta love the Straight Boys. Believe me, there are plenty out there. And you might want to believe you’re one of them, but if you’re reading this, chances are you aren’t one. Not much to say about the ones walking the Straight and Narrow except they know that a mouth does have gender.
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